mental health

Looking for Survivors

Looking for Survivors

 

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

  1. Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
  2. Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
  3. Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Conversion Therapy, Mental Health, 3 comments
It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

 

A friend made this comment that really encapsulates the depth of the issues for LGBT+ people around religious abuse and the implications of banning CT and hate speech.

The deep seated guilt and shame for LGBT+ Christians isn’t easily solved by just joining an affirming church or finding new friends.

Part of the difficulty is that the guilt is applied well before it gets to the “conversion therapy” stage as the teaching is woven throughout the belief system for everyone. In the church I grew up in during the 60’s and 70’s, there was little anti-gay stuff spoken directly from the pulpit but it was implied and inferred. There was a little more said at home (probably in answer to questions about what did the Pastor mean when . . . ) but somehow one was very clearly taught that anything except heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only acceptable way to do relationships.
This screws up everyone’s thinking if they have any degree of LGBTQIA attributes – the guilt and sense of brokenness is inherent even without going to conversion therapy.
As Gay Activism got louder through the 70s, the anti-gay theme began showing up more obviously in church teachings, and one buried one’s unacceptable sexuality even further, and took in the anti-gay mantel too.
Even though not subject to overt applied conversion therapy, every person that fellowships in these church activities is subject to subtle implied conversion therapy.
How does one legislate against that?
Hate speech, no, they’re too subtle for that. One of the last church services I attended at the ‘radical centre’ church I attended, stated that if a homosexual couple came into the church they would be welcome and accepted – but that a marriage would not be performed in the church or by that pastor.
So – they have worked out ways around the hate speech laws.
This is fast becoming the church’s normal way of dealing with it all – bigotry and hypocrisy with a welcoming smile and knife in the back.
We still have a long way to go.
Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
The Science of Spirituality

The Science of Spirituality

The principles behind CORE Therapy

We all have spiritual “needs”, no matter what our beliefs are. Atheists even have these needs, but they are usually satisfied through accepting and immersing our minds with the awe of nature.

Scientific endeavours in the areas of quantum physics and the “philosophy of physics” are tackling the big questions around the fundamental nature of everything. This has long been the goal of science in general, and finding the “theory of everything” has been a driving force since early last century when people like Einstein (and a host of others) took the whole idea very seriously. Added to this is the whole problem of “consciousness”. What is it and how did we get it?

The whole process would take volumes to work through, so I’ll just skip to the latest interesting bits.

There is a fast growing group of physicists (theoretical and philosophical) who believe that consciousness itself is the underlying “energy” from which everything else arises. In extremely simple terms, this means that all forms of energy (which coalesce into more and more complex forms of energy, becoming atoms, molecules and so on up the scale) are products or projections of a “sea” of conscious energy.

There are many versions of this idea. A popular one, that has been around for a long time in various forms is called Panpsychism  Despite what the cynical and jaded among us may think, this area of research actually addresses the underlying problems very eloquently.

All this goes to indicate that the ancient ideas around “universal consciousness” (or any of a multitude of terms describing our innate oneness) aren’t some mystical mythology. The fact is, it provides an extremely workable foundation for living life to it’s fullest in every way.

In CORE Therapy, I use all this to explain that there are three arbitrary levels of human experience – our thoughts, our awareness, and our oneness. This can be referred to as the “nature of experience”.

As a very simple description, our thoughts run through our minds non stop, all day, every day. They arise from physical experiences through our senses and from memories, which are then attached to emotional reactions of some sort. Our awareness sits “behind” our thoughts and is the objective part of us (kinda sorta, but more on that in another blog). Then there is the great “sea” of consciousness which everything exists in and comes from.

This empowers us to observe our thoughts in an objective fashion, not with the goal to change them, but to simply see them for what they are – an integral and essential part of what being human is! It’s the core of many ancient philosophies, so is nothing new at all! My goal is to present the concepts in a way that is accessible to the western mind and can be applied practically in the area of mental health.

The simple realisation of this is life changing! This is really important for those of us who have suffered religious abuse and the thought of theology and doctrines, church and religion in general, are too triggering, but are still deeply aware of the need for some sort of spiritual connection that can bring love and light, peace and joy into our lives.

In my next blog I’ll expand on these ideas.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Mental Health, 0 comments
“Worthless sinners” – a doctrine of abuse

“Worthless sinners” – a doctrine of abuse

The core of religious abuse for LGBT+ people is in the destruction of our worth as human beings, instilling a deep sense of self-loathing. Even without being LGBT+we are taught, as Christians, that we are intrinsically evil, born in sin, incapable of doing any good and often summed up as “hopeless sinners saved by grace”.

This particular theological doctrine has done more damage to humanity than we can comprehend. It keeps us in perpetual bondage to our apparent worthlessness as a human being. Saying that God alone gives us any worth/value does not make it any better. It pushes the beauty of our humanity even further away, creates deep division by inflating the “us vs them” mentality, which could be articulated as “we can’t accept you, or anything you say/believe, because without God you are evil – born evil – and nothing you can do will change that unless you believe the same as we do”.

In psychological terms this is referred to as submitting to an “external locus of control”. Christianity says that we must submit to an external force (the Holy Spirit) that acts in us and through us. Although the claim is made that this force lives inside us, it’s still not “us” – we coexist with this entity in the hope that we will eventually conform to it’s likeness. Even though it lives in us, its an external locus of control that we willingly give ourselves over to.

There is a certain aspect of self responsibility in this, where doctrines say we are responsible for our actions, but the foundation and motivation is centred around giving up our most basic sense of self to something else. No matter how we paint this, with all the doctrines of God living in us and creating a far better version of ourselves, we are abdicating our humanity and creating a delusion of worthlessness.

There is, of course, the attempt to address this through doctrines that say our worth is found in God’s love for us – that he loves us so much that he died for us – but that still says that we are worthless without him, so submitting to his control is the only solution.

This stands as one of the greatest “evils” that the church has given mankind!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Being Trans

Being Trans

I’m not trans, so this is obviously NOT a post guided by lived experience, but I have taken a lot of time to research and understand what being Trans is all about. For all trans people who read this, I apologise if I haven’t got something right – feel free to comment (nicely please).

JK Rowlings has sparked a massive backlash around the whole biological issue for Trans people. I’ve read her comments carefully and other’s who support her views (I’m not talking about TERFS here, I’m referring to more measured and “rational” views). In all honesty, over the years I’ve had to re-learn a lot of stuff about the entire concepts of gender and sex, so in a way, I don’t blame people for their reactions.

However, it’s time to address this using that rather underutilized commodity – science!

So – are trans women biological women?? (and same for trans men of course, although they generally face different problems)

To address this we have to take a step back and look at what determines gender in the first place. The obvious is external genitals, breasts, facial hair etc. Then there’s internal organs and various aspects around fat distribution, muscle density etc. Then there’s the least discussed and most crucial aspect – chromosomes.

To understand this better we have to look at Intersex. Basically, this is where people have some sort of “gender ambiguity” based on the above mentioned aspects. Some people appear predominantly male on the outside but have ovaries, others look feminine but have testes. There are a myriad of possibilities! It’s hard to get any definitive stats on it, but it could be as much as one in 1600 have Intersex variations, and just as likely that we all have minor variations that don’t show up under our current abilities to test this on a large scale.

Chromosomal differences are particularly interesting. Here is a very thorough analysis of this by the WHO. Suffice to say, we are beginning to understand that sex is absolutely NOT clear cut, despite what our eyes tell us when we see male or female external appearances!

Sadly, there is very little research on how this relates to Trans people, mostly because chromosome testing is pretty much never done as part of the “diagnosis”. What we DO know is that the science supports a far broader concept of male and female anatomy and identification than we ever imagined.

Throughout human history there have always been Trans and Intersex people, with cultures recognising them in a variety of ways, mostly positive! It’s only in the last 100 years or so that western culture has vilified them (generalisation).

So where does that leave us?

We can safely deduce that Trans people have some underlying genetic coding responsible for their sex and gender identity. The science is very clear about the level of ambiguity through chromosomal mutations, meaning that the whole idea of “women are women and men are men” becomes anathema. This simply is not factual. So when some say that trans women can never be “real” women, we are denying the facts. Am I saying all Trans people are Intersex, not exactly, it’s just that we don’t know enough yet.

There are millions of people who identify as women but have some form of Intersex features, often unknown to them!
Some women have excessive facial hair – are they less of a woman?
Some women have enlarged libias (or other parts of their genitals) – are they less of a woman?
Some have deep voices, some have no breasts, some have no ovaries, some have internal testes, and some have chromosomal differences that we don’t fully understand their affects.
Would you call any of these people NOT women?

For Trans women then, we are faced with the simple question – at what point is a woman a woman or a man a man? If someone knows beyond doubt that they feel different or there’s dysphoria – that their body and how they think about their gender doesn’t fit the stereotypes – how are we to define them, and why do we feel the need to do so!

The science shows us that it’s a far more complex issue than we imagined and to demand we push people into binaries is nothing more than social bigotry. It’s understandable though, because ignorance is to blame, and we can’t expect people to accept something they have no real understanding of. But we can educate them! We can point them to the science. We can help them grow in compassion and realise that we are all human beings before anything else.

To my many Trans friends – I have no idea what it’s like for you, but I do understand, even from a gay man’s perspective, that bigotry based on ignorance is brutal and destructive. You are free to be recognised in any way you choose!

As an interesting side issue, I’ve found some trans people feel pressure from their peers to become “fully female” or “fully male” and there are groups who say you aren’t really trans unless you do so. This is the extreme opposite side of the issue and is just as destructive. It’s your body and only you know what works for you! Find that place where you are comfortable “in your own skin”. You don’t have to conform to anyone’s ideas. One of my oldest friends fully transitioned to female. In the early days she tried to be very feminine, but after a while realised that she was happy being a bit rough around the edges and trying to be overly feminine went against her personality. But it’s different for everyone – BE YOU!!

 

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 2 comments
Sy Rogers – the legacy

Sy Rogers – the legacy

For those who haven’t heard, Sy Rogers died the other day.

In the interests of integrity and honesty, and respecting Sy’s desire to be a man despite his gender dysphoria and even living as a trans women for a while, I’ll use “they” as the pronoun to reflect this conflict.

Sy was one of the most prominent “ex-gay” preachers and traveled the world with their message that God can transform us into happy, fulfilled straight people. They rose to fame in the 80s and was even president of Exodus Ministries for a while.

One of their most famous quotes was “If you want to stay gay, that’s your business,… But the bottom line is, you have a choice to overcome it. You can change. The goal is God – not going straight. Straight people don’t go to Heaven, redeemed people do.”

As a fellow human being, my heart goes out to their family and friends.

But I find myself rather triggered. It’s brought up all the misery I went through trying to be a straight man all my life. And already, I’m finding countless others feeling the same.

Their very public teachings and testimony were adopted as “proof” that LGBT people could change. It was given extra weight because their story included their gender as well as their  sexuality. Sy never really addressed the differences between the two, which we know are completely unrelated human attributes. Of course, we all know that no one actually changes either of these attributes. We either repress, deny or employ diversions such as religious obsessions to delude ourselves that we are changed or cured. We also know that most of the time this ends up causing mental illness and suicide.

Sy’s legacy would be impossible to quantify. Their message and ministry is directly responsible for bringing incalculable pain, misery, suffering and even death to literally millions.

Of course, there are many others who contributed to the abuse of LGBT people. But Sy is exceptional in that he had the opportunity to bring life instead of death, but refused to do so.

In 2007, during a meeting with Anthony Venn Brown, Sy said “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”. However, they never made this public! They’d said the same thing to other ministers as well over more recent years. And yes, if we look at their ministry over the last 15 years or so, it became more about relational wholeness through Jesus and similar topics. Sy had indeed carefully sidestepped his original message without so much as a word. Their only comment was about not wanting to cause public controversy. Perhaps it was more about saving face and finance? We may never know.

For me and so many now, this is the ultimate betrayal. How many lives could have been saved if Sy had had the guts to be honest and care more about others. Was Sy that unaware of the damage of their message?

It will take a while for me to process my emotions around this. I would encourage any of us who find ourselves confronting the anger and frustration of all we’ve been through to be brave, give yourself permission to feel and process it all. Get some help if needed, talk to safe friends or a counselor.

So yeah…. I don’t like to “talk ill of the dead” while family are still grieving, but I feel I have no choice. The Sy Rogers legacy is horrific.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 2 comments
Vulnerability

Vulnerability

For most of us, coming out and working through religious issues has required huge amounts of vulnerability (opening ourselves up to be easily hurt, influenced, or attacked).

We open ourselves up to others to share our deepest secrets, our shame, our mental health and the pain we’ve lived with.

Even with strong relationships and a solid loving community, this can be very traumatic. But without them, it can be a long lonely journey. Whatever the process for each of us, it’s something that requires guts, determination and bravery.

If we have come out of fundamentalism/pentecostalism etc we have the pain of losing those who we thought loved and cared for us. We become the target of their abuse, disguised as love and concern at best, or outright condemnation and assignment to hell at worst.

Eventually we have to turn our backs on these people and establish a new life with people who really do care, who actually love us unconditionally. To keep contact with those who abuse us is simply too hard, especially if our mental health has been affected. Our vulnerability can only stand so much and we must protect ourselves to survive.

Personally, this has been a complex battle. Part of me would love to walk away and never engage with this type of religion again. But I’m also confronted with the reality that I was part of the system that causes so much abuse, being a leader in Living Waters conversion therapy for so long. I shudder to think of the damage I did and perhaps the loss of life I was implicit in.

Silent Gays has been a work of passion and compassion for all those who have experienced religious abuse. But it puts me in a constant state of vulnerability. I share my life over and over. I am constantly confronted and condemned by traditional Christians. The more I reach out to those silently suffering in churches, the more I’m abused. It’s a situation of constant vulnerability, and honestly, some days it’s really hard. It takes it’s toll.

Despite this, my heart for the abused is stronger than ever, so I have to work with the balancing act of self preservation and confrontation. I will not stop confronting the religious fundamentalists because I know that in doing so, others are watching – those who would never speak out in vulnerability. I know that my strength in being vulnerable is an inspiration.

In writing this, I’m once again being vulnerable. Some will say it’s the least I can do given my participation in the abuse. Other’s will say to just let it all go and get on with my life. Perhaps one day I will walk away, but I think I’d never stop feeling for the countless others struggling under the deathly weight of religion.

Meanwhile, I do all I can to walk that fine line, and live my life to it’s fullest.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Alternative Treatments for Addiction

Alternative Treatments for Addiction

This is guest blog for Recovery Proud

Can Alternative Treatments Help You Recover from Addiction?

If you’re in recovery for addiction, chances are you’ve contemplated whether you should seek alternative treatments. At the same time, you may not be aware of what alternative options are out there and whether they will work for you. Try taking these steps—which include meditating and using technology—to uncover the truth about alternative treatments and your recovery.

Learn More About Alternative Options

While addiction isn’t a new struggle, alternative recovery methods are relatively new when it comes to treating addiction. These alternative methods are challenging the norms around rehabilitation for addicts. If you’re wondering what alternative options are out there, do a little research. Go online and find articles about alternative treatments. Research each option thoroughly and be aware of dangers. Above all, consult your healthcare or treatment provider before you explore alternative treatments yourself.

Focus on Fitness

Looking into alternative options is one way to take charge of your treatment, but staying active is a simpler method of enhancing your recovery experience. The endorphins that exercise produces will help improve your mood and energy levels. You can formulate a workout plan by joining a gym, taking a group class, like yoga, or streaming some workouts on YouTube at home. Keep track of your fitness progress with a smartwatch like the Apple Watch Series 5, which will be arriving in stores soon. It can detect falls, monitor your heart rate, and even call for help in an emergency. On the Android side, the Samsung Galaxy Watch Active 2 automatically tracks your workouts and features a built-in GPS.

Keep Mental Health a Priority

Addiction often stems from a mental health issue, a reaction to stress or an unresolved past trauma. That’s why you should be sure to include mental health treatments in your overall recovery plan. Set up sessions with a mental health provider and open up to them about any issues you have been experiencing. Sometimes, trauma can be buried but can still cause problems. It takes time to uncover these traumas and curtail any remaining anxieties or pain. Take your therapy session seriously and use your own methods to care for your mental health.

Eliminate Negative Triggers

Alternative or traditional, your treatment plan should take triggers into account. Triggers can evoke emotions and experiences that can lead you to use again. For addicts, triggers can be a familiar place where they used or a scent that reminds them of old times. A cigarette can make you want a cocktail, or passing by a bar can make you want a beer. Even feelings like boredom and stress can be triggers for recovering addicts. Identify these negative influences in your life and take steps to eliminate them. Make stress relief a focus of your trigger cleanse.

Make Meditation a Habit

One alternative treatment that has gained traction in recovery programs is meditation. Meditation is undeniably beneficial for anyone seeking more mindfulness in their lives. Regular meditation can help those in recovery relieve stress and focus on staying sober. You can set up a meditation space in your home with a few simple supplies. Pick a spot that is void of noise or distractions. Use a meditation app to help get you in the habit and practice completely clearing your mind during these sessions.

Be Ready to Re-Evaluate Your Treatment

Part of any recovery is figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Relapse is common in recovery, so don’t be discouraged if it happens to you. Take this as a sign that your treatment needs some adjustment. Perhaps adding alternative treatments could help you get back on track. Or maybe you need to adjust parts of your life, like your diet or circle of friends. Staying informed of all your options will make this process easier when the time comes.

Playing an active role in your recovery is the key to attaining sobriety. By looking into alternative treatments, you are taking control of your treatment and taking control of your success.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments