Integrity

Sep

2022

A worthy cause??

I’ve really hesitated about writing this. I’ve always tried to be transparent with Silent Gays and how I work, so in the end I thought I should share this.

The last thing I want to do is guilt trip people – seriously, I hate it when I see those sorts of posts in social media and money-begging emails. You know what I mean!

So how do we ask for financial help in a way that gets people to respond, without using emotional manipulation?

Here’s the thing…

The guy I’ve been helping escape from Tanzania (from horrific life threatening LGBT persecution) has been something of a “project” for me (although that does sound a bit dehumanising).

You may recall, I’ve posted regular updates on where he’s at and his current needs. He’s been absolutely honest and transparent with me every step of the way. He’s shared personal videos of what he’s faced – his fears and joys through it all. However, he’s still got a way to go, as he faces never ending obstacles from homophobic authorities – despite his rights to refugee status.

I asked for financial help, because that’s where the rubber hits the road. Giving him “thoughts and prayers” isn’t going to save his life. I received around $300 from four generous people, for which I’m very grateful. I personally committed to help no matter what. This has meant I’ve used over $1200 of my savings and I’m about to put in another $500 or so to help him get to the Kakuma Refugee Camp and pay for all the hoops he has to jump through to stay in the refugee camp on the other side of Kenya. But he’s very scared, because the camp has a very bad reputation for LGBT abuse.

Despite this, I’m no longer going to ask for money – I’m sick of it, and I guess everyone else is.

However, I’m not bitter or angry about the lack of response and support at all. But I’m very disappointed. Disappointed that fellow humans would calmly ignore this. Disappointed that I have done the same on many occasions. Disappointed that anything that comes from African nations is regarded as a scam or rip-off (which is sort of understandable given the reputation of Nigerian scammers). Disappointed that we happily support causes that are local, but are blind to communities that have no chance of any local support – who’s only hope is with western privileged society.

So what constitutes a “worthy cause”? This is something we usually subconsciously process through our “paradigms” and biases – at worst with nothing more than an emotional offhand response, or perhaps with consideration to our priorities to other commitments (of course), or maybe even thinking that we can’t be of any real help because we could only give a few dollars. I guess there’s a lot of valid reasons, and a lot of really shitty reasons, and that’s something each of us have to work through – or not.

Whatever the issues around all this stuff, I’m just writing this to bring some awareness to how we respond to others in need – not only in other distant lands, but also to those right here with us. As I said, it’s not an attempt to guilt-trip, but an honest desire for us to genuinely assess what’s important.

Aug

2022

WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

“Deconstruction” is a big thing these days. And there seems to be a lot of confusion around what it really means. While it may be different for everyone, there’s a basic sort of process we tend to go through.

For LGBT+ people in particular, it can begin with questioning why the bible apparently seems to be so hard on us, especially given that it’s impossible to change who we are. This causes us to dig a bit deeper into what the bible says, and ends up with us realising that our interpretations and translations are the real problem.

For others, it can be some sort of abuse by church leaders, corruption, hypocrisy or any number of things that cause us to stop and think about what’s actually going on.

Ultimately, though, we begin to deconstruct when we question why we believe what we believe. We start asking difficult questions that we’d been ignoring, under the assumption that “God’s ways are higher than ours” so who are we to doubt God’s “word”? We can begin to question the integrity of our beliefs and how they realistically affect us and our relationships with others and the rest of the world.

Often, it involves simply looking at the rest of humanity and realising that no matter how hard we try, we will never “save” the world with our Christian beliefs. This in turn causes us to question the character of God – or at least, the God that we’ve been taught.

Some “deconstruct” to the point where they can feel comfortable with a more “liberal” form of Christianity, and live with a reasonable level of integrity, which could mean simplifying everything down to just “following Jesus”.

Some find that no mater how hard they try, Christianity in just about any form, is nothing more than the opinions of one particular culture from 2000 years ago. Many end up atheists.

But there’s also those who look for something “spiritual” that is more loving and inclusive. Something that embraces all people, no matter who they are, without conditions. Something, in fact, that looks more like love than Christian theology does!

Of course, there are some who completely deconstruct, and then re-construct Christianity in a way that works for them, that actually brings life and love.

It’s messy and everyone is different. Most importantly, it’s about asking questions and being completely fearless about where those questions may lead. It’s about recognising deep biases and conditioning, and being prepared to completely let go, knowing that truth, honesty and integrity will always allow us to find our way.

As for me – I totally deconstructed and walked away. It’s no longer in the slightest bit relevant to me. Yes, I had to work through religious abuse and the anger that brought. I now have my own beliefs, and can finally address Christianity in a way that isn’t destructive. But I will never go back there, simply because, once we have taken that step back, we see it for the mess that it really is. And is it really worth the effort to untangle that mess?

Apr

2022

Jesus or Paul…

As victims of religious abuse, we become rather sensitive to how the bible is used and how it’s verses/doctrines/concepts are thrown around.

Let’s face it – the bible is used as a weapon far more than a tool for spreading unconditional love. We need to break down what we are dealing with, however, to get to grips with the reality of the bible.

First up, as a general concept, Christianity is entirely based on the teachings of Paul rather than Jesus. There’s a few reasons for this but basically (generalisation of course) Paul’s writings predate the gospels, so they became the doctrinal and theological foundations of the church. It was Paul’s writings, and those that fitted his theology, that were finally declared to be the inspired words of God by the Roman church around 400CE, and all other texts that presented anything different were literally destroyed (we’ve rediscovered a few of these over the centuries). This means that our entire belief system is built on the writings of a man who never met Jesus, and built his theology on visions – hardly a basis for a valid religion (despite the fact that most religions are actually based on the visions of some individuals, but that’s another story). This is why I prefer to call it “Paulianity”.

To complicate things, around half of the writings attributed to Paul were actually written by other people – something that most biblical historians now agree on.

So how much can we really trust that Paul knew what Jesus was on about? Sure, Christianity, as Paul created it, has been the most successful religion on the planet, but that doesn’t mean it’s based on anything factual.

So getting back to Jesus…

It’s now generally agreed that the biblical gospels were written at least 70 years after Jesus was said to have lived, possibly longer. None of the writers were eyewitnesses, and the names ascribed to each one are arbitrary and definitely not any of the disciples, as tradition would have us believe. The truth is, we have no idea what Jesus actually said – none whatsoever!

For starters, explain how his sermons and long complex prayers, often in the dark of night and on his own, were transcribed (accurately, word for word) by a scribe who followed him around with pen and parchment! Didn’t happen, I’m afraid.

These accounts are fabricated, possibly based on oral traditions. We just don’t know.

So… the problem is that the gospels don’t line up with Paul’s writings, despite the best efforts of theologians who create complex twisted doctrines to hobble it together.

For those of us who’ve been subject to biblical abuse around LGBT+ issues, we have had to figure out how to interpret Paul’s writings in relation to the apparent words of Jesus, that seem to express unconditional love far more than Paul – despite chapters like 1 Corinthians 13. If the bible was clear-cut and unambiguous, we wouldn’t be faced with these issues. But given the actual history of the bible, we really have nothing more than assumptions.

So, in all honesty and integrity, how do we approach all this? What do we believe? Do we give Paul the benefit of the doubt (given that his religion has been so successful), or do we put our faith in the writings that depict a very different Jesus, but were written much later by unknown sources? I also realise that the scriptures used in Paul’s writings to vilify LGBT+ people are incorrectly interpreted and translated, but that’s only the tip of the iceberg!

I present this, not to undermine our faith as such, but to be realistic about what we believe and why we believe it. The entire topic of LGBT+ people was a completely different mindset 2000 years ago, that we are trying to understand through the many surviving texts from the various cultures of the time. The biblical writers did not comprehend the issue in the same way we do at all.

Many LGBT+ Christians end up with a far simpler and more liberal approach to their beliefs, often claiming that they now have a simple relationship with Jesus. This is fair enough, given the mess that “biblical” Christianity really is. But when we realise that the only records we have about Jesus aren’t written by anyone who knew him, and the fact that it was physically impossible to capture the words of Jesus accurately, let alone verbatim, we are left to take a serious look at exactly what this relationship with Jesus really is.

If we accept the reality of Christian history, it may seem heretical and even terrifying, but we then become free to look at the deeper principles hidden in the biblical texts, knowing that they are metaphors, stories and myths, and we are free to use them in ways that actually bring love and unity to ourselves and the rest of humanity.

Mar

2022

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

I’ve been a friend of Cody’s for a few years now, and stood alongside him through his extremely difficult journey of “coming out of religion”. Cody’s story is no ordinary one, however, and he has asked me to write and share it on his behalf.

Cody is a 50 year old trans man (assigned female at birth, identifies as male). He also has cerebral palsy (CP) and lives in an assisted living house with 24/7 care. He’s also adopted. His adoptive family are fundamentalist pentecostal Christians. He’s a survivor of sexual abuse, as a baby and on through childhood and as an adult. He suffered a range of physical and psychological abuses as a teenager in the care of Wilson Home in Auckland, and on into adult life. All of this created a “perfect storm” for serious mental health issues.

His journey, then, has been that of leaving abusive religion, facing a complete lack of love at any stage in his life, coming to terms with his gender identity, and finding who he really is, all exacerbated by his CP.

Although his adoptive parents had the best of intentions, and tirelessly provided for his physical wellbeing, they were incapable of providing him with the genuine, unconditional love he desperately needed as a young child and on through the rest of his life. The reasons for this are, of course, complex, but the most damaging has been the religious indoctrination present in the pentecostal church, which was echoed in his family life.

He was constantly made aware of his sinful nature, and as he grew he was pushed more and more to be “responsible” for sinful thoughts and actions in a way that constantly destroyed any sense of self-worth, which was pretty much non-existent from the start anyway.

He was sexually abused by an older adopted brother at the age of 12. His family did what they could to some extent, but much of the blame went on him and they eventually brushed it all under the carpet of family shame. This was the event that led them to placing him in full time care, to ostensibly give some space between him and his brother. His brother went on to be convicted of multiple rapes and has spent many years in prison.

This is just the tip of the iceberg though. Every aspect of his religious family upbringing dealt blow after blow of self loathing, inadequacy and failure, leading to behaviours that echo the desperate need for love that was never met – depression, anxiety, psychosis, self harm, suicide attempts, eating disorders… the fact that he’s survived this long is a testimony to his dogged resilience! But as you can imagine, the cost has been catastrophic.

He’s recently taken the massive step to walk away from church and renounce his faith, and to distance himself from his family. He’s decided that making a clean break is the only way to move forward. But this decision hasn’t come easily! To resist the indoctrination of a lifetime of fundamentalism, while still trying to maintain contact with the church community and friends, is impossible. Walking away from this, in reality, has taken a few years! So many attempts ended in giving in to the pressure, guilt and shame, returning to his abusers in a type of Stockholm Syndrome. The ongoing legacy of this religion will take time to unravel, as the layers of abuse are peeled away, but each layer removed allows love to enter.

So Cody is now free to start his life as a gay man! His dream is to begin physical transitioning, although he recognises the medical difficulties due to his disability.

His passion is to bring to light, the traumatic lives of LGBT+ people with disabilities – the complete lack of support in institutions, the ignorance of sexuality and gender issues within staff and clients, the bullying and shaming and the unwillingness of institutions to even acknowledge the sexual needs of those with disabilities in general. His other passion is helping those with Religious Trauma Syndrome.

You can join him on his journey on LinkedIn and Facebook

Nov

2021

The curse of sacrificial love

Give, give, give…
Sacrifice, sacrifice, sacrifice…

Always prefer others, put them first. Love is sacrificial, it doesn’t come naturally, we have to work on it.

In serving others we build our own self worth through our disciplined efforts.

If we truly want to make the world a better place we must exercise compassion and treat others with respect and dignity.

Self discipline is the only way to bring change to ourselves – we must watch our every thought and action…

Blah, blah, blah.

I call bullshit!

Until we truly love and embrace ourselves – fully and unconditionally – without judgement or expectation – simply realising that we are exactly as we should/could be – all our attempts to be better/loving/compassionate/caring etc, are just smoke and mirrors!

All that stuff about sacrificing and putting others first constantly represses and denies the very thing we are desperate for – the very thing we are trying to give to others, but deny ourselves – unconditional love!

We live in the vain subconscious hope that we will receive this if we focus on giving – more and more and more…

Or perhaps our self discipline will please our favourite deity so they will magically make us happy and provide the love we need by mystical osmosis.

George Bernard Shaw said “Self sacrifice enables us to sacrifice other people without blushing”. Ouch!

What are we really afraid of?

We think that the moment we start to give ourselves the attention we really need, we’ll become selfish, hedonistic and even narcissistic. After all, doesn’t the bible say that our hearts are corrupt and no one is capable of anything good? This insidious lie has crept through most of our cultures to the point where it’s completely accepted as the way it should be. So because of this, our only hope is to sacrifice our needs and to be humble, because God loves a humble heart. But despite our best efforts to convince ourselves otherwise, this is an endless cycle of self repression through fear. Yes FEAR!!

However, unless we stop the endless sacrifice, and love ourselves first and foremost, all our efforts are shallow and do nothing more than actually feed our “ego” – making us feel good, almost vicariously through our “humble” actions. We never actually change, we just get better at deluding ourselves.

Here’s something worth trying:
Love yourself in the same way you know others need to be loved.
Love yourself as you crave to be loved.
Embrace yourself as you would embrace a lover, who, when you look into their eyes, you only see their incredible worth and beauty.
Give to yourself as if you were the most stunningly amazing person you know.

When that happens – when the penny drops – when we see ourselves in that light – our love for others will naturally flow from us – without effort – like water from an endless river.

We are what we’ve been looking for.

NO external source – no God – no person – no thing – can substitute for this.

Imagine a world where we all know how wonderful we are, and see exactly the same wonder and beauty in everyone and everything else. No need to sacrifice anything. Does a river sacrifice anything to flow and nourish everything around it? When we see ourselves as this endless river of life and love, we can’t help but see everything else the same way.

But, but… you don’t know me, you don’t know how dreadful I really am. You don’t know how broken I am. You have no idea! I know beyond a doubt that I’m nothing but shit.

Who told you that? Why do you believe it? Seriously? Why? And who said you can’t be any different? Your God? Your family? Friends? Society? Church?

Try it. Face the fear and step past it. Look in the mirror and see that you are what you’ve always been looking for. Allow yourself to live loved!!

Aug

2021

Pray Away – first impressions

I just watched the new Netflix movie Pray Away

I though I’d give some first impressions/reactions before taking some time to consider the deeper implications.

Very powerful, well produced, sensitive and respectful and yet very pointed in it’s premise.

As someone who spent 40 years of their life living this lie, I related to just about everything they presented. I was a desperate young man, looking to understand what was wrong with me and willing to try anything.

I even ended up became a leader in Living Waters, while still living a life of fear, shame and guilt, underscored by depression and suicide ideation. The movie presents this dynamic very intimately through the lives of a few of the key leaders of Exodus.

However, I don’t think it went anywhere near far enough into the complexities of this issue. But perhaps I feel that way because I’ve already worked through so much of it already. I guess the film could be viewed as a wake up call – an introduction that invites us to dig deeper.

For me, it wasn’t just reconciling my sexuality with my faith however. My faith was an integral part of everything I’d experienced, and clinging to Jesus was all that kept me alive. But the destruction ex-gay practices brought on my mind and life also directly affected my beliefs, to the point where they no longer had any validity. This film actually caused me to feel sad for those survivors who still cling to the faith that tried to destroy them. Of course, I know theologies and doctrines that successfully reconcile these issues, but the fact that this could even happen caused me to look outside the box of my dogmas and experiences.

So yeah, great film, and I know many will be inspired and set free by the bravery of those who spoke out. I think it will be a huge catalyst to freeing countless LGBT+ people, and exposing the doctrines of fundamentalist religion.

For me, its brought up some old wounds that need to be addressed, but its also inspired me to keep going deeper, and exposing the entire belief system that allows humans to be treated like this in the first place.

May

2021

Do your beliefs really work?

Does your belief system actually “work”?

Are your spiritual/religious beliefs genuinely beneficial to you, those around you and the rest of the world?

Have you ever stopped to assess this?

Do they bring you real peace and joy, not just “good feelings” or a sense of knowing the “real truth”, but seriously bring a depth that transforms your mental health, brings life and peace to those around you and empowers you to see every single human as unconditionally loved?

Do your beliefs empower you not to discriminate against others on the basis of their beliefs, race, gender or sexuality?

Do your beliefs genuinely transform your troubled mind, still the deep traumas, satisfy the grief, quieten the rage, relieve the depression or sooth the anxiety?

If you answered no, not really, not exactly… then you need to be brave enough to question them – seriously question them.

What do we want from our beliefs? Is there a better way?

Never be afraid to question everything!

May

2021

Too tired to engage

The only way to successfully communicate with fundamentalist Christians is through heart felt empathy – from our part. It seems this is the only way to find a crack in their armour, where they see our humanity, vulnerability and heart.

But I must confess, even then it’s an uphill battle.

Sadly for far too many, it’s too late for us to engage in any meaningful way. So many of us LGBT+ people have decided that we can no longer embrace our faith and are looking for safe spaces to deconstruct.

Many are too afraid to publicly admit that they no longer hold to the traditional Christian theology and doctrines, but remain because they have nowhere else to go!

The church community can be such a strong pull that to walk away feels like dying. They are suffering in a place of complete cognitive dissonance – the “silent gays” – hiding their true identity, living in fear, wearing the mask.

For many LGBT+ people struggling to maintain their faith, they are too tired. They are emotionally damaged to the point where the thought of engaging in the ways that require emotional vulnerability and compassion are just another load on top of what they already carry.

Although I personally try to engage traditionalists with empathy and compassion, I far too often find it exhausting and frustrating. I’m learning to walk away a little more graciously these days, but I have my moments!

This is a huge reality, and causes intense silent suffering. Mental health issues are inevitable and the suicide rate in LGBT+ Christians is horrifically high.

You aren’t alone! Don’t be afraid to reach out to those who have walked away from church. It’s OK to ask taboo questions. It’s OK to deconstruct in whatever way you need. “God” is far bigger than any religion can contain.

Aug

2018

False memories

The most popular theories behind current gay conversion therapies are based on three childhood issues:

An incomplete bond and resultant lack of identification with the same-sex parent
Childhood sexual abuse or trauma
Lack of strong or correct gender role modelling

During sessions, the participant is prayerfully led through childhood memories around these issues.

Before commenting on the problems with this technique I will say, most emphatically, that none of these issues make people gay. It is completely unfounded and damaging.

What makes it all even worse is the occurrence of false memories. We create these memories due to the prompting we receive, the expectations of those around us, our desire to change and please God, and as in my own case, desperation, simply because it was the only explanation I had left. I “remembered” supposed events that ended up demonising my father and family relationships.

Here is an article by Chris Paley, author of Unthink

Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened

We come to the truth in many ways. We read books, think, listen to other people and experience things directly. Other people lie sometimes. They skip the important details. Our thoughts are sometimes mangled. The most convincing way to learn things is to experience them ourselves. Our memories seem to be our unmediated store of the truth: the things we know for certain happened. But other people can give us memories of things we never experienced.

Elizabeth Loftus and colleagues conducted one of the earliest experiments showing how to do this, and highlighting how dangerous it is to rely on what we remember. They showed volunteers a clip of a road accident. Afterwards, they asked some of the participants, ‘About how fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other?’ They asked others how fast they were going when they collided, bumped, contacted, or hit. Participants who heard the question with the verb smashed estimated that the cars were going faster*.

A week later, the experimenters contacted the participants again and asked them further questions on what they remembered about the accident. In particular, was there any broken glass at the scene? Those who’d been asked how fast the cars were going when they smashed were more than twice as likely to wrongly remember seeing broken glass after the accident. A single, apparently innocuous word changed what people remembered, and their memories afterwards built all the details of the accident to be consistent.

This was an early experiment. Researchers have since become bolder and better at manipulating people’s memories. They’ve had participants remember robbers carrying a screwdriver that wasn’t there. In controversial experiments, they’ve implanted memories of childhood events that never happened including being lost in a shopping centre, taking a flight in a hot air balloon and even meeting Bugs Bunny (a Warner Brothers character) on a trip to Disneyland.

When The X-Files was popular, the number of reported alien abductions, some recovered under hypnosis or in therapy, rose dramatically. It seemed like a fad, but the unfortunate abductees were just as distressed when talking about their memories as people who really had traumatic experiences. Memory’s a strange thing, and just as unreliable as those grainy photos of UFOs. The truth may be out there, but don’t rely on finding it in your head.

Chris Paley holds a PhD from the University of Cambridge, and is the author of Unthink, which has been published in six languages.

Jun

2018

Gays and G0ys

A couple of years ago I stumbled across www.g0ys.org (that’s gay with a zero – G0Y). It was interesting, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time other than thinking it was just a bunch of gay guys who hated effeminate gays and anal sex trying to justify themselves.

Recently though I’ve seen them mentioned around the traps and have given them another look. What I’ve found is fascinating, to say the least.

Basically, their tenet is built around the idea that more than 50% of guys are really on the bi-sexual spectrum and we should accept and embrace that. They also condemn anal sex and posit that being gay is mostly defined by effeminate, anal sex loving queers and it’s time we normalised “bromance”.

I actually applaud them for bravely addressing a very large issue – almost the elephant in the room in some ways! I’m not sure of the veracity of all their stats but I do believe they are right in that many guys would engage in more romantic and intimate relationships with their “mates” if it was normalised.

They also address the biblical issues around homosexuality reasonably well, although the way they approach it suggests a strong religious bias mixed up in it all.

What I find disturbing though is the strong underlying contempt for effeminate gay men. They hardly even attempt to disguise this either, which I guess is good to know before you venture too deep into their literature.

Their entire appeal is built around “we hate that effeminate crap and anal sex is evil”. They then present a lot of great information about normalising same-sex relationships between men – something that definitely should be promoted! But the huge problem is to do with their motivation and underlying attitudes, which, as I said, aren’t even thinly disguised.

There is a lot of mocking the “visible” gay community – the effeminates, the type that dress up and go to Pride parades and want to flaunt their sexuality. I can understand the mentality in terms of a knee-jerk reaction (I’m not effeminate myself and just want to be a “normal” guy who happens to be only attracted to men) but it’s actually incredibly damaging! The last thing we need is another level of bigotry and intolerance masquerading as a superior option for gay men!

The real issue is tolerance and mutual respect. We must learn that we are all unique and wonderful as we are. There is no right or wrong way of being gay. I absolutely agree that the taboo boundaries of sexual attraction should be exposed and normalised, but not at the expense of all the other expression of sexuality.

So for me, these guys, while expressing a genuine issue that needs urgent attention, have created something that is not only unhelpful but actually destructive!

It’s the wrong solution to the wrong problem guys!

Integrity

A worthy cause??

WTF is a deconstructed Christian?

Jesus or Paul…

Enough Already! (Cody’s story)

The curse of sacrificial love

I call bullshit!

What are we really afraid of?

Pray Away – first impressions

Do your beliefs really work?

Too tired to engage

False memories

Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened

Gays and G0ys

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

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