Abuse

Jun

2021

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Since starting Silent Gays a few years ago, I’ve mostly spent my time focussing on Facebook groups and messaging, but the reality is it’s a very limited audience and there is a huge need to reach those who don’t want to go on social media to look for help on religious abuse and conversion therapy issues. Privacy and discretion is hard to find on social media at the best of times, and this helps solve that problem!

The new email service is monitored by a small team of volunteers, each with their own areas of expertise, who have been through sexual orientation and gender identity change efforts, and have a passion to help others find a way through the mess.

I’ve also updated the website to focus around the CORE Book and Workbook. These have been the foundation of Silent Gays but have tended to get lost in the mix as it were. The books and the help email now have centre stage on the site.

Please take a few minutes to check out the site and grab a copy of the CORE book (digital formats only – no hardcopies, as yet). If you genuinely can’t afford it, let me know and I’ll send you a voucher for a free copy.

Apr

2021

Looking for Survivors

The progress of the Conversion Therapy legislation in New Zealand is looking good.

But we need input from you!

The problem is that “Conversion Therapy” has been presented as something extreme. Recent movies and docos have painted some grim pictures, and rightly so!

But the reality is far more subtle and insidious, and we know there are thousands out there who are unaware that they’ve been subject to religious practices and beliefs that are just as harmful as the full on stuff we’ve seen. Part of this effort involves shifting the term “Conversion Therapy” to SOGICE (Sexual Orientation and Gender Identity Change Efforts) as it more accurately describes the the scope of the issue.

Silent Gays will be working with SOGICE survivors and Brave to host some safe, private zoom gatherings to share experiences, learn about the advocacy space, and talk about support.

The first step is presenting three specific questions to help you understand the scope of the practices. These are:

Have you been part of a faith community where you were told that you were broken, disordered or in need of healing because of your gender or sexual identity?
Have you been offered prayer, counselling, pastoral care or rituals which seek to change or suppress your sexual or gender identity?
Have you been part of a formal or informal faith-based program which tried to engage the ‘reasons’ for your gay, bi, lesbian, trans, queer or ace identity or ‘support’ you to live as a straight, cisgender person?

You’ll notice that we aren’t simply asking if you’ve been through some form of conversion therapy. This is simply because most people just don’t think in those terms.

We are looking at ways to ask these questions of the broader community, but I’m putting this out now for your consideration, and by all means, feel free to prepare as detailed a response as you like, or just sit with the idea for now.

There is no pressure, and all information is strictly confidential.

email info@silentgays.com

Apr

2021

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

A friend made this comment that really encapsulates the depth of the issues for LGBT+ people around religious abuse and the implications of banning CT and hate speech.

The deep seated guilt and shame for LGBT+ Christians isn’t easily solved by just joining an affirming church or finding new friends.

Part of the difficulty is that the guilt is applied well before it gets to the “conversion therapy” stage as the teaching is woven throughout the belief system for everyone. In the church I grew up in during the 60’s and 70’s, there was little anti-gay stuff spoken directly from the pulpit but it was implied and inferred. There was a little more said at home (probably in answer to questions about what did the Pastor mean when . . . ) but somehow one was very clearly taught that anything except heterosexual monogamous marriage was the only acceptable way to do relationships.

This screws up everyone’s thinking if they have any degree of LGBTQIA attributes – the guilt and sense of brokenness is inherent even without going to conversion therapy.

As Gay Activism got louder through the 70s, the anti-gay theme began showing up more obviously in church teachings, and one buried one’s unacceptable sexuality even further, and took in the anti-gay mantel too.

Even though not subject to overt applied conversion therapy, every person that fellowships in these church activities is subject to subtle implied conversion therapy.

How does one legislate against that?

Hate speech, no, they’re too subtle for that. One of the last church services I attended at the ‘radical centre’ church I attended, stated that if a homosexual couple came into the church they would be welcome and accepted – but that a marriage would not be performed in the church or by that pastor.

So – they have worked out ways around the hate speech laws.

This is fast becoming the church’s normal way of dealing with it all – bigotry and hypocrisy with a welcoming smile and knife in the back.

We still have a long way to go.

Feb

2021

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

With the “anti-conversion therapy” legislation happening in New Zealand this year, I’ve been putting in a lot of extra research into the problem areas being raised.

One of these is the issue around Trans people and the rhetoric pushed by TERFs and de-transitioners. Despite the fact that they are a very small percentage, they have a load voice.

This is the best article about the whole topic I’ve seen so far and I strongly recommend it to anyone struggling with some of the questions around transitioning being raised by some radicals.

(Link below to original article)

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

Feb

2021

The Science of Spirituality

The principles behind CORE Therapy

We all have spiritual “needs”, no matter what our beliefs are. Atheists even have these needs, but they are usually satisfied through accepting and immersing our minds with the awe of nature.

Scientific endeavours in the areas of quantum physics and the “philosophy of physics” are tackling the big questions around the fundamental nature of everything. This has long been the goal of science in general, and finding the “theory of everything” has been a driving force since early last century when people like Einstein (and a host of others) took the whole idea very seriously. Added to this is the whole problem of “consciousness”. What is it and how did we get it?

The whole process would take volumes to work through, so I’ll just skip to the latest interesting bits.

There is a fast growing group of physicists (theoretical and philosophical) who believe that consciousness itself is the underlying “energy” from which everything else arises. In extremely simple terms, this means that all forms of energy (which coalesce into more and more complex forms of energy, becoming atoms, molecules and so on up the scale) are products or projections of a “sea” of conscious energy.

There are many versions of this idea. A popular one, that has been around for a long time in various forms is called Panpsychism Despite what the cynical and jaded among us may think, this area of research actually addresses the underlying problems very eloquently.

All this goes to indicate that the ancient ideas around “universal consciousness” (or any of a multitude of terms describing our innate oneness) aren’t some mystical mythology. The fact is, it provides an extremely workable foundation for living life to it’s fullest in every way.

In CORE Therapy, I use all this to explain that there are three arbitrary levels of human experience – our thoughts, our awareness, and our oneness. This can be referred to as the “nature of experience”.

As a very simple description, our thoughts run through our minds non stop, all day, every day. They arise from physical experiences through our senses and from memories, which are then attached to emotional reactions of some sort. Our awareness sits “behind” our thoughts and is the objective part of us (kinda sorta, but more on that in another blog). Then there is the great “sea” of consciousness which everything exists in and comes from.

This empowers us to observe our thoughts in an objective fashion, not with the goal to change them, but to simply see them for what they are – an integral and essential part of what being human is! It’s the core of many ancient philosophies, so is nothing new at all! My goal is to present the concepts in a way that is accessible to the western mind and can be applied practically in the area of mental health.

The simple realisation of this is life changing! This is really important for those of us who have suffered religious abuse and the thought of theology and doctrines, church and religion in general, are too triggering, but are still deeply aware of the need for some sort of spiritual connection that can bring love and light, peace and joy into our lives.

In my next blog I’ll expand on these ideas.

Jan

2021

“Worthless sinners” – a doctrine of abuse

The core of religious abuse for LGBT+ people is in the destruction of our worth as human beings, instilling a deep sense of self-loathing. Even without being LGBT+, we are taught, as Christians, that we are intrinsically evil, born in sin, incapable of doing any good and often summed up as “hopeless sinners saved by grace”.

This particular theological doctrine has done more damage to humanity than we can comprehend. It keeps us in perpetual bondage to our apparent worthlessness as a human being. Saying that God alone gives us any worth/value does not make it any better. It pushes the beauty of our humanity even further away, creates deep division by inflating the “us vs them” mentality, which could be articulated as “we can’t accept you, or anything you say/believe, because without God you are evil – born evil – and nothing you can do will change that unless you believe the same as we do”.

In psychological terms this is referred to as submitting to an “external locus of control”. Christianity says that we must submit to an external force (the Holy Spirit) that acts in us and through us. Although the claim is made that this force lives inside us, it’s still not “us” – we coexist with this entity in the hope that we will eventually conform to it’s likeness. Even though it lives in us, its an external locus of control that we willingly give ourselves over to.

There is a certain aspect of self responsibility in this, where doctrines say we are responsible for our actions, but the foundation and motivation is centred around giving up our most basic sense of self to something else. No matter how we paint this, with all the doctrines of God living in us and creating a far better version of ourselves, we are abdicating our humanity and creating a delusion of worthlessness.

There is, of course, the attempt to address this through doctrines that say our worth is found in God’s love for us – that he loves us so much that he died for us – but that still says that we are worthless without him, so submitting to his control is the only solution.

This stands as one of the greatest “evils” that the church has given mankind!

Sep

2020

Being Trans – Part 2

My previous post on Being Trans discussed the “technical” issues. But there is another side to this that is usually overlooked (and ultimately, it applies to the entire range of LGBT+ people).

Nearly all the science and psychology around the topic tends to regard Trans people (especially Trans women) as oddities to be researched, defined and categorised. Of course, there is no malice or untoward motivation in most of this – it is what it is – but there’s no denying the growing scientific interest in the entire nature of sex, sexuality and gender.

What this has created is an environment where LGBT+, and in particular Trans people, have become the topics of conversations that don’t actually involve them. People talk about them, rather than with them. Everyone now has an opinion, based on their feelings about it, backed up by whatever “science” they find to support those feelings. But they are also the topic of genuine scientific inquiry, which, despite being beneficial, is still people discussing your very being.

So here’s the thing – imagine, if you can, how that would make you feel. People telling you how you should feel or react, how you should behave, how you should think, how you should look, discussing your mental health and your physiology, constantly. Imagine being confronted on a daily basis by people who think you are sick and deluded. needing psychiatric help. Can you possibly begin to understand this?

Trans people, and Trans women in particular, are faced with issues most of us can’t begin to comprehend, and yet they are left out of the conversations or dismissed entirely! In some cases, this can create extreme radicalism fueled by hate and fear. But for the vast majority, it reinforces and increases that mental distress they already face through battling with the complexities of gender dysphoria. Either way, it’s a mess.

What do we do about this?

Listen to them! Include them. Hear their stories, their hearts, their struggles. In fact. let them lead the discussions. Our only valid input is to help them process their traumas with empathy and encouragement through love. They don’t need our opinions, no matter how passionate we are about them. Support the science and research, but give Trans people direct input into the whole issue. They aren’t Guinea Pigs and freaks who must be dissected and analysed – they are human beings who, more than anything, need to be loved and accepted as they are. The science can wait.

Live Loved!

Apr

2020

Sy Rogers – the legacy

For those who haven’t heard, Sy Rogers died the other day.

In the interests of integrity and honesty, and respecting Sy’s desire to be a man despite his gender dysphoria and even living as a trans women for a while, I’ll use “they” as the pronoun to reflect this conflict.

Sy was one of the most prominent “ex-gay” preachers and traveled the world with their message that God can transform us into happy, fulfilled straight people. They rose to fame in the 80s and was even president of Exodus Ministries for a while.

One of their most famous quotes was “If you want to stay gay, that’s your business,… But the bottom line is, you have a choice to overcome it. You can change. The goal is God – not going straight. Straight people don’t go to Heaven, redeemed people do.”

As a fellow human being, my heart goes out to their family and friends.

But I find myself rather triggered. It’s brought up all the misery I went through trying to be a straight man all my life. And already, I’m finding countless others feeling the same.

Their very public teachings and testimony were adopted as “proof” that LGBT people could change. It was given extra weight because their story included their gender as well as their sexuality. Sy never really addressed the differences between the two, which we know are completely unrelated human attributes. Of course, we all know that no one actually changes either of these attributes. We either repress, deny or employ diversions such as religious obsessions to delude ourselves that we are changed or cured. We also know that most of the time this ends up causing mental illness and suicide.

Sy’s legacy would be impossible to quantify. Their message and ministry is directly responsible for bringing incalculable pain, misery, suffering and even death to literally millions.

Of course, there are many others who contributed to the abuse of LGBT people. But Sy is exceptional in that he had the opportunity to bring life instead of death, but refused to do so.

In 2007, during a meeting with Anthony Venn Brown, Sy said “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”. However, they never made this public! They’d said the same thing to other ministers as well over more recent years. And yes, if we look at their ministry over the last 15 years or so, it became more about relational wholeness through Jesus and similar topics. Sy had indeed carefully sidestepped his original message without so much as a word. Their only comment was about not wanting to cause public controversy. Perhaps it was more about saving face and finance? We may never know.

For me and so many now, this is the ultimate betrayal. How many lives could have been saved if Sy had had the guts to be honest and care more about others. Was Sy that unaware of the damage of their message?

It will take a while for me to process my emotions around this. I would encourage any of us who find ourselves confronting the anger and frustration of all we’ve been through to be brave, give yourself permission to feel and process it all. Get some help if needed, talk to safe friends or a counselor.

So yeah…. I don’t like to “talk ill of the dead” while family are still grieving, but I feel I have no choice. The Sy Rogers legacy is horrific.

Mar

2020

Vulnerability

For most of us, coming out and working through religious issues has required huge amounts of vulnerability (opening ourselves up to be easily hurt, influenced, or attacked).

We open ourselves up to others to share our deepest secrets, our shame, our mental health and the pain we’ve lived with.

Even with strong relationships and a solid loving community, this can be very traumatic. But without them, it can be a long lonely journey. Whatever the process for each of us, it’s something that requires guts, determination and bravery.

If we have come out of fundamentalism/pentecostalism etc we have the pain of losing those who we thought loved and cared for us. We become the target of their abuse, disguised as love and concern at best, or outright condemnation and assignment to hell at worst.

Eventually we have to turn our backs on these people and establish a new life with people who really do care, who actually love us unconditionally. To keep contact with those who abuse us is simply too hard, especially if our mental health has been affected. Our vulnerability can only stand so much and we must protect ourselves to survive.

Personally, this has been a complex battle. Part of me would love to walk away and never engage with this type of religion again. But I’m also confronted with the reality that I was part of the system that causes so much abuse, being a leader in Living Waters conversion therapy for so long. I shudder to think of the damage I did and perhaps the loss of life I was implicit in.

Silent Gays has been a work of passion and compassion for all those who have experienced religious abuse. But it puts me in a constant state of vulnerability. I share my life over and over. I am constantly confronted and condemned by traditional Christians. The more I reach out to those silently suffering in churches, the more I’m abused. It’s a situation of constant vulnerability, and honestly, some days it’s really hard. It takes it’s toll.

Despite this, my heart for the abused is stronger than ever, so I have to work with the balancing act of self preservation and confrontation. I will not stop confronting the religious fundamentalists because I know that in doing so, others are watching – those who would never speak out in vulnerability. I know that my strength in being vulnerable is an inspiration.

In writing this, I’m once again being vulnerable. Some will say it’s the least I can do given my participation in the abuse. Other’s will say to just let it all go and get on with my life. Perhaps one day I will walk away, but I think I’d never stop feeling for the countless others struggling under the deathly weight of religion.

Meanwhile, I do all I can to walk that fine line, and live my life to it’s fullest.

Feb

2019

My rights

I demand my rights!
(I’m in pain)
You can not abuse me!
(Injustice is a knife in my heart)
You must be held accountable!
(I scream for retribution)
You will pay for your crimes!
(I’m bleeding tears)
We must stop systemic oppression!
(I just want to be loved)
Laws must be changed!
(I’m broken)
(…Love me as I am)
(…Please, help me, hug me, love me)
(…Pour your strength into me)
(…I want to stand strong with you)
(…One people)

Abuse

Silent Gays is growing!

I’m proud to announce our new email help service!

help@silentgays.com

Looking for Survivors

It’s Not Just Conversion Therapy

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

An “Ex-Detransitioner” Disavows the Anti-Trans Movement She Helped Spark

The Science of Spirituality

The principles behind CORE Therapy

“Worthless sinners” – a doctrine of abuse

Being Trans – Part 2

Sy Rogers – the legacy

Vulnerability

My rights

Latest blogs

The story behind Silent Gays

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