It’s what we’re all about – coming out As LGBT+ and deconstructing beliefs.
I’ve written the COR Workbook as an essential component of what I do, but I think it would be beneficial to blog more regularly on the whole issue rather than just the odd article. So this is the introduction to the long term effort of helping us figure out how we got into this mess, how to process it, and what to do after the dust settles.
Much of this will be groundwork for my next book “…But Not As We Know It” – which I’ve finally started!
So by way of kicking things off, I’d like to propose we take a little time to examine the most foundational aspect of our lives – why do we believe the things we believe? Why do we think our religious paradigms are effective? What makes them so appealing? Do they actually work for us?
You get the idea.
However, despite the need to be brutally honest with ourselves, it can be very disturbing to confront this can of worms. For many of us, the very thing we embraced to bring us life and hope is the thing that is destroying us! We fear to question because we fear an “existential crisis”. We fear losing our footing and any sense of meaning we may have.
It’s scary, but I can assure you, it’s worth every drop of sweat and tears to be able to live with deep personal honesty and integrity. I’ve been on this part of the journey for over 8 years now and despite many ups and downs and working through mental health issues, I’ve found my little niche in the world where I’m OK with who I am. I have my beliefs that constantly change and grow as they are challenged. I’ve come to realise that growth and maturity requires accepting constant re-evaluation and change.
So join me in my ramblings and please interact (comment below or on Facebook) – we all have something to offer each other!
Can Alternative Treatments Help You Recover from Addiction?
If you’re in recovery for addiction, chances are you’ve contemplated whether you should seek alternative treatments. At the same time, you may not be aware of what alternative options are out there and whether they will work for you. Try taking these steps—which include meditating and using technology—to uncover the truth about alternative treatments and your recovery.
Learn More About Alternative Options
While addiction isn’t a new struggle, alternative recovery methods are relatively new when it comes to treating addiction. These alternative methods are challenging the norms around rehabilitation for addicts. If you’re wondering what alternative options are out there, do a little research. Go online and find articles about alternative treatments. Research each option thoroughly and be aware of dangers. Above all, consult your healthcare or treatment provider before you explore alternative treatments yourself.
Focus on Fitness
Looking into alternative options is one way to take charge of your treatment, but staying active is a simpler method of enhancing your recovery experience. The endorphins that exercise produces will help improve your mood and energy levels. You can formulate a workout plan by joining a gym, taking a group class, like yoga, or streaming some workouts on YouTube at home. Keep track of your fitness progress with a smartwatch like the Apple Watch Series 5, which will be arriving in stores soon. It can detect falls, monitor your heart rate, and even call for help in an emergency. On the Android side, the Samsung Galaxy Watch Active 2 automatically tracks your workouts and features a built-in GPS.
Keep Mental Health a Priority
Addiction often stems from a mental health issue, a reaction to stress or an unresolved past trauma. That’s why you should be sure to include mental health treatments in your overall recovery plan. Set up sessions with a mental health provider and open up to them about any issues you have been experiencing. Sometimes, trauma can be buried but can still cause problems. It takes time to uncover these traumas and curtail any remaining anxieties or pain. Take your therapy session seriously and use your own methods to care for your mental health.
Eliminate Negative Triggers
Alternative or traditional, your treatment plan should take triggers into account. Triggers can evoke emotions and experiences that can lead you to use again. For addicts, triggers can be a familiar place where they used or a scent that reminds them of old times. A cigarette can make you want a cocktail, or passing by a bar can make you want a beer. Even feelings like boredom and stress can be triggers for recovering addicts. Identify these negative influences in your life and take steps to eliminate them. Make stress relief a focus of your trigger cleanse.
Make Meditation a Habit
One alternative treatment that has gained traction in recovery programs is meditation. Meditation is undeniably beneficial for anyone seeking more mindfulness in their lives. Regular meditation can help those in recovery relieve stress and focus on staying sober. You can set up a meditation space in your home with a few simple supplies. Pick a spot that is void of noise or distractions. Use a meditation app to help get you in the habit and practice completely clearing your mind during these sessions.
Be Ready to Re-Evaluate Your Treatment
Part of any recovery is figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Relapse is common in recovery, so don’t be discouraged if it happens to you. Take this as a sign that your treatment needs some adjustment. Perhaps adding alternative treatments could help you get back on track. Or maybe you need to adjust parts of your life, like your diet or circle of friends. Staying informed of all your options will make this process easier when the time comes.
Playing an active role in your recovery is the key to attaining sobriety. By looking into alternative treatments, you are taking control of your treatment and taking control of your success.
One of the greatest lies Christianity has inflicted on humanity is the idea that we are worthless without God’s benevolence and Jesus.
It claims we are born broken and incapable of anything good and that it’s only Jesus that gives us any worth. God can’t bear to look on our sinfulness and it’s Jesus righteousness that he sees.
Christianity invented the root cause of “sin” by declaring us all utterly unworthy and then supplying it’s own solution. This keeps us humble (although it’s not true humility, and that’s a whole other issue) and subservient, always reliant on God.
This can seem helpful when we have no self worth and live in frustration with our inability to be “perfect”. We live in deep cultural paradigms that demand our constant growth towards “Christ likeness”. This attitude is even in the “secular” world, shaped by our religious foundations and expectations.
But it never really makes us better people, although it does make us more “godly”, which is apparently what being “better” is all about. It hands control and responsibility over to a deity. And we are told that this is the only way to become not only better people, but to be accepted and loved by God and, more insidiously, make it into heaven!
The reality is, we are born beautiful innocent creatures, ready to be shaped by whatever our culture (family, political, social, peer etc) brings to us. Our humanity is more than enough to qualify us as loveable, accepted, worthy and capable of good.
When we drop the idea of being “saved” from ourselves and sin and instead, embracing all that we are as intrinsically good, we become far more empowered than any god could enable. Interestingly, I’ve found that generally, we are a little unnerved, or even afraid of people with high self esteem, who genuinely know their self worth and live from that place of confidence combined with compassion and empathy.
Sure, we can find relative comfort in religion, and for many, Christianity seems to provide the only life and peace they have known. But until that lie of our intrinsic “not worthiness” is exposed and destroyed we are missing out on the real depth of freedom, love and joy.
Change comes when we are at peace with ourselves, when we love ourselves, and we can only do that when we recognise the lie.
This has been a work in progress for a couple of years. It’s been my heart, as is reflected in the concept of Silent Gays, to present a way for anyone to process the trauma of LGBT religious abuse, be it conversion therapy, deliverance ministry or any form of “Christian ministry” we have been subjected to in the hope of changing our sexuality/gender. My passion is to help the damaged and broken – those who have no where to go, and no one who really understands the reality of this type of abuse.
I’m now proud to release this material as a “workbook” that takes you step by step through understanding the complex nature of sexuality and gender, spirituality and religion, the effect of religion and conversion therapy and a way forward into freedom and life beyond the boundaries of dogma and fundamentalism.
It’s built on my own journey of hard fought reality, mental illness, searching for real and practical spirituality and addressing the deep forms of religious abuse.
It’s not a Christian course and it may offend those who are still trying to reconcile faith and reality as it questions everything!
But for those who have had enough, who desperately struggle trying to hold together the tatters of their faith or who have walked away and don’t know how to process the mess; this may be of help.
Everyone who purchases the workbook will have ongoing access to the private Facebook support group where they are free to ask, share, rant and process with others on the same journey with the assurance of it being a “safe space”. There is also an email support service* included for mentoring purposes (reasonable use conditions apply).
The workbook is presented as an A4 pdf document with an “Application” section at the end of every chapter that presents practical and hard hitting questions for self analysis. It’s suggested that the book is printed out and placed in a folder with extra pages for notes and journaling. It also provides very practical ways to unravel and grow as the beautiful people we were intended to be – directly facing the deep issues of self worth and self love.
The workbook is $15 which includes lifetime membership to the support group*
When we, as Rainbow people, have been screwed over and abused by Christian fundamentalist and traditional beliefs one of the first things we do is try to reconcile our faith with who we are while attempting to sort through what we actually believe as the dust is settling.
Some end up back in the church with a modified compromise on the scriptures but still basically a traditional Christian.
Some find that the experience has caused them to adopt a far more liberal and metaphorical approach to their beliefs, dropping the “religious” aspects and embracing love and grace as their foundation.
But there are many who end up ditching everything, baby and bathwater, after discovering that the process of unravelling the faith they embraced (or were raised in) led them on a path to question the entire basis of Christian beliefs.
This can be a very scary place to be, especially when our entire life, our paradigms, our relationships, and pretty much everything is built on those beliefs.
One of the biggest fears is “what will happen if I let it all go?”. And that is a very valid fear indeed.
The problem is once you see the fundamental flaws in the Christian faith and it’s scriptures and supporting theologies and doctrines, you can’t “unsee” them. Sadly I’ve seen many who can’t handle this reality and jump back in to the faith, in a type of denial, to protect themselves from the looming existential crisis. This can sometimes end up with religious obsession and even returning to doubt their new freedom, embracing things like celibacy to avoid the reality.
Letting go however, requires a lot of guts and determination. To put it crudely – we have been brainwashed. To undo the damage of brainwashing requires hard work, and for many, after years of abuse from the church, this simply requires too much energy to take it any further. To get this far sometimes stretches us to the limit so we settle for a compromise, finding it easier to hang on to the slowly unravelling threads by ignoring them, or even denying their existence.
But to lose our faith, as hard as it can be, is stunningly freeing.
It’s not what we were taught it would be.
It’s not a fearful exercise that deep down we know will send us off to hell.
It’s an opening into a whole new life, where we see the tiny little enclosed world of dogma for what it really is.
So if you are at that place of question everything; if that existential crisis is staring you in the face…
Be brave!! You aren’t alone. Countless Rainbow people (and others of course) have done it. Reach out to those who have. You’ll be amazed at the stories you hear.
There is new life waiting. A playground of spirituality, rationality, love and meaning that embraces all of humanity, not just the elect, and isn’t bound by dogma.
I demand my rights!
(I’m in pain) You can not abuse me!
(Injustice is a knife in my heart) You must be held accountable!
(I scream for retribution) You will pay for your crimes!
(I’m bleeding tears) We must stop systemic oppression!
(I just want to be loved) Laws must be changed!
(I’m broken) (…Love me as I am) (…Please, help me, hug me, love me) (…Pour your strength into me) (…I want to stand strong with you) (…One people)
I’ve often written about the limitations of our sexuality and gender labelling and encouraged people to examine the the fluidity of it all. Of course, labelling is needed in terms of finding others who understand our particular needs and preferences, but we get stuck there, to our own detriment.
As the various scientific disciplines explore sexuality and gender, it’s becoming clearer that every single person on the planet is actually on a continuum of various sexuality and gender factors. And people are discovering that it’s possible to move along these different continua throughout our lives!
I just read an interesting article how women, in particular, are discovering same sex attraction in their late 30 and 40s, even though they have been happily “straight” up until then!
We are discovering so much about the biology of gender that almost every other day there’s more understanding of the nuances of our genetics and the chemistry that surrounds it. Nothing is as it used to be understood. The idea of “binary” gender is no longer valid.
Being a chronic idealist and dreamer, I long for us to embrace this as a species. I imagine a world where there really are no assumptions, no boundaries or expectations around any aspect of this core part of our being.
The only factor that needs any consideration in how we live this in a practical way is the birth and nurture of children. A womb is the only place a child can gestate, and a stable loving environment is the only place a child can grow.
I feel my goals and activities are shifting to enable this to become real. I need to put my money where my mouth is, as it were.
I’m actively looking at ways to educate/enlighten, and build communities based solely on unconditional love and support. I ache for a world beyond labels, where everyone is simply their unique selves.
I’ve found that most people, especially LGBTI+, long for the same thing, but regard it as nothing more than unachievable dream, and a waste of effort. But if no one even attempts this, how will we ever know?
David (aka The Naked Pastor) is a wonderful LGBT ally and fellow traveller in the journey of deconstructing religion. I found this article helpful in articulating the reasons why we enjoy church and the difficulties we face when we leave. His work through The Lasting Supper is amazing and bridges that gap for people who need a safe space to assess what the heck they really believe and the damage religion can cause
I’ve left the church. Many times. The last time I left was 8 years ago. It was painful every time. Here’s just a few of the reasons why it was so difficult to leave.
1. Fear: When I left the church, a profound cloud of fear enveloped me: “What have I done?” No matter how much you rationalize your decision, the years and years of indoctrination collect to shout out jeers and threats for your selfishness, stupidity, sinfulness, and short-sightedness. You have just willingly divorced yourself from God and his people, taken your first step closer to Hell, thrown yourself into the arms of the Devil, and destined yourself to an endless road of Perdition. You have officially branded yourself a Heretic. Lost! Of course this isn’t true, but try telling yourself that! Over and over and over again.
2. Friends: The first time I left the church I imagined
I would keep many of the friends I had there. I learned quickly that it
never seems to work out. Even the last time I left the church, that
fantasy was still burning in my mind. Again, it didn’t work out. You
lose friends. Maybe not all, but most of them. Period. You have to learn
how to make new ones while you’re grieving the loss of your old ones.
Not easy.
3. Inspiration: There is something very inspiring about gathering together with others on pretty much the same page, in agreement, learning together and singing together and supporting each other. I love hearing or delivering a good sermon. Honestly! Most often I walked away refreshed and refuelled for the next week. Learning how to do that by yourself is not simple.
4. Music: I was always involved with the music and
worship. The last worship band I had rocked! I loved playing and singing
with them. We had some great times and even made a CD together that’s
pretty good. I haven’t picked up my guitar since I left, but that’s my
fault. I don’t listen to worship music much anymore either unless it’s
renaissance church music or Russian Orthodox choirs. There’s too much
“ick” associated with worship music for me now.
5. Support: When I and my family went through difficult
times, we always always had people around us who cared and actually did
something about it. We’ve been given food, money, babysitting, cars,
rides, help moving, prayers, company, words, vacations… you name it. The
church also made it easy for us to be generous and give. Now we’re on
our own, and the difference is noticeable. We are learning to be
self-sufficient and generous independently.
6. Destiny: The last denomination I was involved with
was the Vineyard. Prophetic words, words of wisdom, dreams and visions
are a huge part of that culture. My life had meaning and a sense of
purpose. I woke up every morning pretty much knowing what I had to do
and where my life was heading. I had a destiny! Even though I now
believe most of that was hype, I did enjoy living in that matrix of
illusion. Then I took the red pill. Oh my!
7. Validation: When you are in the church, you get a
very strong sense that you are on the gospel train. You are doing the
right thing being counted among the people of God. You are a member, and
that gives you a sense of assurance that you are indeed saved, that God
has his eye on you and that you are on the right track. When you get
off that train, you have to build your own sense of assurance that you
are okay, and that is an arduous but necessary task.
8. Boredom: I have so much more time on my hands since I
left the church. I remember my first Sunday morning not going. I went
for a walk around the time when cars where driving by on their way to
church. Did I ever feel strange! It was hard not feeling like a
delinquent. A sinner. I’ve gotten used to it to the point now where I
relish my Sunday mornings. But that’s not all. When you involve yourself
with the church, it can become like a family with its 24/7 demands. Now
I have to be self-directed. But I’m learning.
9. Children: Even though Lisa and I
are learning our new way of life, we always worry about our children.
They are amazing young adults now. But they have been exposed to all the
crap that’s been dealt out to us, and their impression of church is not
rosy. We never slam the church in front of them, but they aren’t
stupid. They catch on. We don’t want them erroneously believing that
this means we are enemies of religion, the church, faith, or
spirituality. They each have their own brilliant expressions of
spirituality, but it’s been forged by fire. Sometimes ours.
10. Inclusion: I fight hard for the church. Some people
mistake it for me fighting hard against it. When pressed, I still say
my family of origin is Christianity and that I love the church. I
totally believe in the right of people to gather together volitionally,
but in a healthy manner… which is rare. I am also for spiritual
independence. It saddens me when people assume that because I’ve left
the church I am no longer in the game. When I was in the church, my
voice was criticized as biting the hand that fed me. Now it is
criticized as not deserving to critique something I’m not a part of.
Can’t win.
Please understand that even though most of these are really good reasons to stay in the church, most often they come at a price. Like the rabbits of Watership Down who were well fed by the farmer. But the deal was the farmer could occasionally harvest some of them for food and fur. In this case, none of the good the church offers is worth it for me.
Do these reasons apply to you? Or, do you have other reasons?
The most popular theories behind current gay conversion therapies are based on three childhood issues:
An incomplete bond and resultant lack of identification with the same-sex parent
Childhood sexual abuse or trauma
Lack of strong or correct gender role modelling
During sessions, the participant is prayerfully led through childhood memories around these issues.
Before commenting on the problems with this technique I will say, most emphatically, that none of these issues make people gay. It is completely unfounded and damaging.
What makes it all even worse is the occurrence of false memories. We create these memories due to the prompting we receive, the expectations of those around us, our desire to change and please God, and as in my own case, desperation, simply because it was the only explanation I had left. I “remembered” supposed events that ended up demonising my father and family relationships.
Here is an article by Chris Paley, author of Unthink
Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened
We come to the truth in many ways. We read books, think, listen to other people and experience things directly. Other people lie sometimes. They skip the important details. Our thoughts are sometimes mangled. The most convincing way to learn things is to experience them ourselves. Our memories seem to be our unmediated store of the truth: the things we know for certain happened. But other people can give us memories of things we never experienced.
Elizabeth Loftus and colleagues conducted one of the earliest experiments showing how to do this, and highlighting how dangerous it is to rely on what we remember. They showed volunteers a clip of a road accident. Afterwards, they asked some of the participants, ‘About how fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other?’ They asked others how fast they were going when they collided, bumped, contacted, or hit. Participants who heard the question with the verb smashed estimated that the cars were going faster*.
A week later, the experimenters contacted the participants again and asked them further questions on what they remembered about the accident. In particular, was there any broken glass at the scene? Those who’d been asked how fast the cars were going when they smashed were more than twice as likely to wrongly remember seeing broken glass after the accident. A single, apparently innocuous word changed what people remembered, and their memories afterwards built all the details of the accident to be consistent.
This was an early experiment. Researchers have since become bolder and better at manipulating people’s memories. They’ve had participants remember robbers carrying a screwdriver that wasn’t there. In controversial experiments, they’ve implanted memories of childhood events that never happened including being lost in a shopping centre, taking a flight in a hot air balloon and even meeting Bugs Bunny (a Warner Brothers character) on a trip to Disneyland.
When The X-Files was popular, the number of reported alien abductions, some recovered under hypnosis or in therapy, rose dramatically. It seemed like a fad, but the unfortunate abductees were just as distressed when talking about their memories as people who really had traumatic experiences. Memory’s a strange thing, and just as unreliable as those grainy photos of UFOs. The truth may be out there, but don’t rely on finding it in your head.
Chris Paley holds a PhD from the University of Cambridge, and is the author of Unthink, which has been published in six languages.
