Posts

The Psychological Legacy

If you’ve read my book “It’s Life Jim…” you’ll be familiar with how my mental state was affected by my life of battling sexuality with religion and the constant fight with depression and suicide ideation.

When my wife died it all came to a head and I had a “meltdown” or whatever you want to call it. The symptoms were a relentless combination of heavy depression (like walking around covered in a wet dark blanket, unable to think beyond the pain and confusion that keeps pounding your head), Intense anxiety attacks (that created a physical gnawing in the gut, confusion, a strange disassociation from my environment and a feeling that I was about to burst into tears), and an escalation of ADHD symptoms (lack of focus, restlessness, confusion, thought’s racing etc).  The suicide ideation thankfully went!

This lead to counselling and medication and living on the benefit. There was no way I could hold down a job!

Nearly six years later I’m doing pretty good, but there’s the legacy that I just have to live with despite my best efforts. All of these symptoms are still around. Yes, I get days where the depression hits (although nothing like it was) and I still get anxiety attacks, and the ADHD symptoms are the bane of my life.

I’ve learnt the triggers (mostly) and how to handle it all. I can sense better when I might take a nosedive, and I know how to “roll” with it and not be fearful.

But it’s still there. This is the legacy of a life ruled by religious control, cognitive dissonance, self loathing and emotional abuse. Will it ever go away? I’d like to think so, but I’m not holding my breath.

It’s like this for countless others. We are presumed to be over it and “all better now”. Sure, we’ve moved on and even enjoy life in ways we never dreamed of. My life is fantastic and fulfilling. But the legacy quietly lives on, reminding us daily.

Be gentle with yourself.

Learn your weaknesses and accept them.

Roll with them, don’t fight them.

Find the best way through it – socialise or retreat – talk to people or hide in your cave… there’s no right or wrong, just whatever enables you to move through it safely.

Get help if needed, any time, don’t be a martyr.

Life is good, no matter what the past has done to us. Life is rich and full of wonder and love.

Live it!!

Is love a discipline?

One christian tenet that is commonly touted is the whole idea of love being a discipline – something we have to work on – to actively “deny ourselves” and exercise Godly love despite our feelings.

I always battled with this. I could never figure out why love had to be so hard, even though the excuse provided by traditional doctrine is that we are born “fallen” so everything we do that has value is going to be resisted by our “fallen” nature. It just didn’t gel.

As I began my journey out of traditional christianity, I began to see people who genuinely felt “emotional” love towards everyone. It’s the kind of love that isn’t a discipline or a consciously focused exercise on applying scriptural doctrines, or trying to “channel” God in some way. For these people, they just felt simple and unconditional love for every person.

How could this be? So I read and observed, and discovered it isn’t just super spiritual gurus who have obtained “enlightenment” of some sort, but was often simple, average people.

I’ve discovered the one common factor is self love! self-love

I’m not talking about anything narcissistic in the slightest. I’m talking about a full acceptance of our own worth as neither better or less than any other human being. It’s a complete acceptance and love of self as we are at this moment, no guilt, no shame, no regrets. It’s a full embracing of our core being as an expression of love. It doesn’t matter what religion or doctrines you may believe, apart from the basic fact that we are all beautiful and created in love.

This alone creates an inner peace that is far beyond any religion or spiritual discipline. If we have to strive to be loving, then we have missed the point entirely. And I can personally attest to it! Over the last 5 years I’ve grown to love myself “warts and all” in such a way that I feel equal to everyone else. Love to others becomes an expression of my love for myself. I don’t have to “fake it till I make it”. In fact, when I don’t feel love for someone I’m getting to the point where I stop and look at what is being reflected in my own lack of self love.

Yes, it’s something we grow into as we peel away the layers of self loathing in all its blatant and subtle forms. We have to abandon any belief that says we are broken and needy and require an external “saviour” because that shifts the focus and responsibility to that “thing” rather than embracing our true value on it’s own merit.

If you don’t experience natural, emotional based love that feels like empathy and affection for others, then the solution isn’t “trying” harder, it’s loving yourself more, and that only comes by unconditional acceptance of all that we are right now, and then allowing that internal love to gently strip away anything that isn’t a product of love. No striving or effort to repent and renounce sins, no berating ourselves or struggling to be better – we are enough as we are, and all the we hate about ourselves is just a product of our “journey” so far, and we can change the direction of that journey by embracing self love.

Sounds too good to be true? Yep, we’ve been told a lot of lies for a long time. We ARE beautiful, all of us, right now. It’s how we are “created”. We truly are “one”.

Live loved!