We hate liars. We are taught from day one that its absolutely wrong to lie, and when we catch people lying it destroys trust and credibility.
But we all tell little lies every so often. We twist the truth a little, tell “white lies”, you know the story. It’s even justifiable if the truth could do more damage than a careful lie!
But I lied all my life. I lied about who I was. I lied to myself every day. I lied to my family and friends. I lied to everyone.
I felt like I had no choice, but it ate me up from the inside out. “Coming out” as gay was inconceivable. Confiding in friends wasn’t even an option – even those who I had some sort of “same sex” relationship with wouldn’t talk about it. We just “did it”. We had to lie.
Lying is so incredibly destructive. Obviously to those around us, but even more so to ourselves. It causes us to slowly build a false reality, a dual reality. It splits us, creating cognitive dissonance. It begins the process of mental illness and for some this can end in death.
I lied to my wife (both of them). I lied to my family. It was the only thing I could do to survive. But it nearly killed me.
This is why personal integrity is so important to me now. I ached to be “integral” all my life. You can’t imagine what a relief it is to have nothing to hide any more!
When I say I’m free, I really mean I’m finally living whole and with integrity. I am who I am, open and transparent. Perhaps too open sometimes, but I don’t care. It’s such a massive relief to tell the world that I no longer have anything to hide. I’m not lying to you any more! No more skeletons in the closet. No more fear. No more self hatred.
I’m free! Yeah, it’s all relative, and I know there are still many parts of my identity and “being” I don’t understand. I’m still influenced by the deep scars of the lies, and my emotions betray that far too often. But I’m free of the need to lie – about anything actually.
Life is good!!