One of the greatest lies Christianity has inflicted on humanity is the idea that we are worthless without God’s benevolence and Jesus.
It claims we are born broken and incapable of anything good and that it’s only Jesus that gives us any worth. God can’t bear to look on our sinfulness and it’s Jesus righteousness that he sees.
Christianity invented the root cause of “sin” by declaring us all utterly unworthy and then supplying it’s own solution. This keeps us humble (although it’s not true humility, and that’s a whole other issue) and subservient, always reliant on God.
This can seem helpful when we have no self worth and live in frustration with our inability to be “perfect”. We live in deep cultural paradigms that demand our constant growth towards “Christ likeness”. This attitude is even in the “secular” world, shaped by our religious foundations and expectations.
But it never really makes us better people, although it does make us more “godly”, which is apparently what being “better” is all about. It hands control and responsibility over to a deity. And we are told that this is the only way to become not only better people, but to be accepted and loved by God and, more insidiously, make it into heaven!
The reality is, we are born beautiful innocent creatures, ready to be shaped by whatever our culture (family, political, social, peer etc) brings to us. Our humanity is more than enough to qualify us as loveable, accepted, worthy and capable of good.
When we drop the idea of being “saved” from ourselves and sin and instead, embracing all that we are as intrinsically good, we become far more empowered than any god could enable. Interestingly, I’ve found that generally, we are a little unnerved, or even afraid of people with high self esteem, who genuinely know their self worth and live from that place of confidence combined with compassion and empathy.
Sure, we can find relative comfort in religion, and for many, Christianity seems to provide the only life and peace they have known. But until that lie of our intrinsic “not worthiness” is exposed and destroyed we are missing out on the real depth of freedom, love and joy.
Change comes when we are at peace with ourselves, when we love ourselves, and we can only do that when we recognise the lie.
This has been a work in progress for a couple of years. It’s been my heart, as is reflected in the concept of Silent Gays, to present a way for anyone to process the trauma of LGBT religious abuse, be it conversion therapy, deliverance ministry or any form of “Christian ministry” we have been subjected to in the hope of changing our sexuality/gender. My passion is to help the damaged and broken – those who have no where to go, and no one who really understands the reality of this type of abuse.
I’m now proud to release this material as a “workbook” that takes you step by step through understanding the complex nature of sexuality and gender, spirituality and religion, the effect of religion and conversion therapy and a way forward into freedom and life beyond the boundaries of dogma and fundamentalism.
It’s built on my own journey of hard fought reality, mental illness, searching for real and practical spirituality and addressing the deep forms of religious abuse.
It’s not a Christian course and it may offend those who are still trying to reconcile faith and reality as it questions everything!
But for those who have had enough, who desperately struggle trying to hold together the tatters of their faith or who have walked away and don’t know how to process the mess; this may be of help.
Everyone who purchases the workbook will have ongoing access to the private Facebook support group where they are free to ask, share, rant and process with others on the same journey with the assurance of it being a “safe space”. There is also an email support service* included for mentoring purposes (reasonable use conditions apply).
The workbook is presented as an A4 pdf document with an “Application” section at the end of every chapter that presents practical and hard hitting questions for self analysis. It’s suggested that the book is printed out and placed in a folder with extra pages for notes and journaling. It also provides very practical ways to unravel and grow as the beautiful people we were intended to be – directly facing the deep issues of self worth and self love.
The workbook is $15 which includes lifetime membership to the support group*
When we, as Rainbow people, have been screwed over and abused by Christian fundamentalist and traditional beliefs one of the first things we do is try to reconcile our faith with who we are while attempting to sort through what we actually believe as the dust is settling.
Some end up back in the church with a modified compromise on the scriptures but still basically a traditional Christian.
Some find that the experience has caused them to adopt a far more liberal and metaphorical approach to their beliefs, dropping the “religious” aspects and embracing love and grace as their foundation.
But there are many who end up ditching everything, baby and bathwater, after discovering that the process of unravelling the faith they embraced (or were raised in) led them on a path to question the entire basis of Christian beliefs.
This can be a very scary place to be, especially when our entire life, our paradigms, our relationships, and pretty much everything is built on those beliefs.
One of the biggest fears is “what will happen if I let it all go?”. And that is a very valid fear indeed.
The problem is once you see the fundamental flaws in the Christian faith and it’s scriptures and supporting theologies and doctrines, you can’t “unsee” them. Sadly I’ve seen many who can’t handle this reality and jump back in to the faith, in a type of denial, to protect themselves from the looming existential crisis. This can sometimes end up with religious obsession and even returning to doubt their new freedom, embracing things like celibacy to avoid the reality.
Letting go however, requires a lot of guts and determination. To put it crudely – we have been brainwashed. To undo the damage of brainwashing requires hard work, and for many, after years of abuse from the church, this simply requires too much energy to take it any further. To get this far sometimes stretches us to the limit so we settle for a compromise, finding it easier to hang on to the slowly unravelling threads by ignoring them, or even denying their existence.
But to lose our faith, as hard as it can be, is stunningly freeing.
It’s not what we were taught it would be.
It’s not a fearful exercise that deep down we know will send us off to hell.
It’s an opening into a whole new life, where we see the tiny little enclosed world of dogma for what it really is.
So if you are at that place of question everything; if that existential crisis is staring you in the face…
Be brave!! You aren’t alone. Countless Rainbow people (and others of course) have done it. Reach out to those who have. You’ll be amazed at the stories you hear.
There is new life waiting. A playground of spirituality, rationality, love and meaning that embraces all of humanity, not just the elect, and isn’t bound by dogma.
I demand my rights!
(I’m in pain) You can not abuse me!
(Injustice is a knife in my heart) You must be held accountable!
(I scream for retribution) You will pay for your crimes!
(I’m bleeding tears) We must stop systemic oppression!
(I just want to be loved) Laws must be changed!
(I’m broken) (…Love me as I am) (…Please, help me, hug me, love me) (…Pour your strength into me) (…I want to stand strong with you) (…One people)
I’ve often written about the limitations of our sexuality and gender labelling and encouraged people to examine the the fluidity of it all. Of course, labelling is needed in terms of finding others who understand our particular needs and preferences, but we get stuck there, to our own detriment.
As the various scientific disciplines explore sexuality and gender, it’s becoming clearer that every single person on the planet is actually on a continuum of various sexuality and gender factors. And people are discovering that it’s possible to move along these different continua throughout our lives!
I just read an interesting article how women, in particular, are discovering same sex attraction in their late 30 and 40s, even though they have been happily “straight” up until then!
We are discovering so much about the biology of gender that almost every other day there’s more understanding of the nuances of our genetics and the chemistry that surrounds it. Nothing is as it used to be understood. The idea of “binary” gender is no longer valid.
Being a chronic idealist and dreamer, I long for us to embrace this as a species. I imagine a world where there really are no assumptions, no boundaries or expectations around any aspect of this core part of our being.
The only factor that needs any consideration in how we live this in a practical way is the birth and nurture of children. A womb is the only place a child can gestate, and a stable loving environment is the only place a child can grow.
I feel my goals and activities are shifting to enable this to become real. I need to put my money where my mouth is, as it were.
I’m actively looking at ways to educate/enlighten, and build communities based solely on unconditional love and support. I ache for a world beyond labels, where everyone is simply their unique selves.
I’ve found that most people, especially LGBTI+, long for the same thing, but regard it as nothing more than unachievable dream, and a waste of effort. But if no one even attempts this, how will we ever know?
David (aka The Naked Pastor) is a wonderful LGBT ally and fellow traveller in the journey of deconstructing religion. I found this article helpful in articulating the reasons why we enjoy church and the difficulties we face when we leave. His work through The Lasting Supper is amazing and bridges that gap for people who need a safe space to assess what the heck they really believe and the damage religion can cause
I’ve left the church. Many times. The last time I left was 8 years ago. It was painful every time. Here’s just a few of the reasons why it was so difficult to leave.
1. Fear: When I left the church, a profound cloud of fear enveloped me: “What have I done?” No matter how much you rationalize your decision, the years and years of indoctrination collect to shout out jeers and threats for your selfishness, stupidity, sinfulness, and short-sightedness. You have just willingly divorced yourself from God and his people, taken your first step closer to Hell, thrown yourself into the arms of the Devil, and destined yourself to an endless road of Perdition. You have officially branded yourself a Heretic. Lost! Of course this isn’t true, but try telling yourself that! Over and over and over again.
2. Friends: The first time I left the church I imagined
I would keep many of the friends I had there. I learned quickly that it
never seems to work out. Even the last time I left the church, that
fantasy was still burning in my mind. Again, it didn’t work out. You
lose friends. Maybe not all, but most of them. Period. You have to learn
how to make new ones while you’re grieving the loss of your old ones.
Not easy.
3. Inspiration: There is something very inspiring about gathering together with others on pretty much the same page, in agreement, learning together and singing together and supporting each other. I love hearing or delivering a good sermon. Honestly! Most often I walked away refreshed and refuelled for the next week. Learning how to do that by yourself is not simple.
4. Music: I was always involved with the music and
worship. The last worship band I had rocked! I loved playing and singing
with them. We had some great times and even made a CD together that’s
pretty good. I haven’t picked up my guitar since I left, but that’s my
fault. I don’t listen to worship music much anymore either unless it’s
renaissance church music or Russian Orthodox choirs. There’s too much
“ick” associated with worship music for me now.
5. Support: When I and my family went through difficult
times, we always always had people around us who cared and actually did
something about it. We’ve been given food, money, babysitting, cars,
rides, help moving, prayers, company, words, vacations… you name it. The
church also made it easy for us to be generous and give. Now we’re on
our own, and the difference is noticeable. We are learning to be
self-sufficient and generous independently.
6. Destiny: The last denomination I was involved with
was the Vineyard. Prophetic words, words of wisdom, dreams and visions
are a huge part of that culture. My life had meaning and a sense of
purpose. I woke up every morning pretty much knowing what I had to do
and where my life was heading. I had a destiny! Even though I now
believe most of that was hype, I did enjoy living in that matrix of
illusion. Then I took the red pill. Oh my!
7. Validation: When you are in the church, you get a
very strong sense that you are on the gospel train. You are doing the
right thing being counted among the people of God. You are a member, and
that gives you a sense of assurance that you are indeed saved, that God
has his eye on you and that you are on the right track. When you get
off that train, you have to build your own sense of assurance that you
are okay, and that is an arduous but necessary task.
8. Boredom: I have so much more time on my hands since I
left the church. I remember my first Sunday morning not going. I went
for a walk around the time when cars where driving by on their way to
church. Did I ever feel strange! It was hard not feeling like a
delinquent. A sinner. I’ve gotten used to it to the point now where I
relish my Sunday mornings. But that’s not all. When you involve yourself
with the church, it can become like a family with its 24/7 demands. Now
I have to be self-directed. But I’m learning.
9. Children: Even though Lisa and I
are learning our new way of life, we always worry about our children.
They are amazing young adults now. But they have been exposed to all the
crap that’s been dealt out to us, and their impression of church is not
rosy. We never slam the church in front of them, but they aren’t
stupid. They catch on. We don’t want them erroneously believing that
this means we are enemies of religion, the church, faith, or
spirituality. They each have their own brilliant expressions of
spirituality, but it’s been forged by fire. Sometimes ours.
10. Inclusion: I fight hard for the church. Some people
mistake it for me fighting hard against it. When pressed, I still say
my family of origin is Christianity and that I love the church. I
totally believe in the right of people to gather together volitionally,
but in a healthy manner… which is rare. I am also for spiritual
independence. It saddens me when people assume that because I’ve left
the church I am no longer in the game. When I was in the church, my
voice was criticized as biting the hand that fed me. Now it is
criticized as not deserving to critique something I’m not a part of.
Can’t win.
Please understand that even though most of these are really good reasons to stay in the church, most often they come at a price. Like the rabbits of Watership Down who were well fed by the farmer. But the deal was the farmer could occasionally harvest some of them for food and fur. In this case, none of the good the church offers is worth it for me.
Do these reasons apply to you? Or, do you have other reasons?
The most popular theories behind current gay conversion therapies are based on three childhood issues:
An incomplete bond and resultant lack of identification with the same-sex parent
Childhood sexual abuse or trauma
Lack of strong or correct gender role modelling
During sessions, the participant is prayerfully led through childhood memories around these issues.
Before commenting on the problems with this technique I will say, most emphatically, that none of these issues make people gay. It is completely unfounded and damaging.
What makes it all even worse is the occurrence of false memories. We create these memories due to the prompting we receive, the expectations of those around us, our desire to change and please God, and as in my own case, desperation, simply because it was the only explanation I had left. I “remembered” supposed events that ended up demonising my father and family relationships.
Here is an article by Chris Paley, author of Unthink
Remembering something doesn’t mean it happened
We come to the truth in many ways. We read books, think, listen to other people and experience things directly. Other people lie sometimes. They skip the important details. Our thoughts are sometimes mangled. The most convincing way to learn things is to experience them ourselves. Our memories seem to be our unmediated store of the truth: the things we know for certain happened. But other people can give us memories of things we never experienced.
Elizabeth Loftus and colleagues conducted one of the earliest experiments showing how to do this, and highlighting how dangerous it is to rely on what we remember. They showed volunteers a clip of a road accident. Afterwards, they asked some of the participants, ‘About how fast were the cars going when they smashed into each other?’ They asked others how fast they were going when they collided, bumped, contacted, or hit. Participants who heard the question with the verb smashed estimated that the cars were going faster*.
A week later, the experimenters contacted the participants again and asked them further questions on what they remembered about the accident. In particular, was there any broken glass at the scene? Those who’d been asked how fast the cars were going when they smashed were more than twice as likely to wrongly remember seeing broken glass after the accident. A single, apparently innocuous word changed what people remembered, and their memories afterwards built all the details of the accident to be consistent.
This was an early experiment. Researchers have since become bolder and better at manipulating people’s memories. They’ve had participants remember robbers carrying a screwdriver that wasn’t there. In controversial experiments, they’ve implanted memories of childhood events that never happened including being lost in a shopping centre, taking a flight in a hot air balloon and even meeting Bugs Bunny (a Warner Brothers character) on a trip to Disneyland.
When The X-Files was popular, the number of reported alien abductions, some recovered under hypnosis or in therapy, rose dramatically. It seemed like a fad, but the unfortunate abductees were just as distressed when talking about their memories as people who really had traumatic experiences. Memory’s a strange thing, and just as unreliable as those grainy photos of UFOs. The truth may be out there, but don’t rely on finding it in your head.
Chris Paley holds a PhD from the University of Cambridge, and is the author of Unthink, which has been published in six languages.
A couple of years ago I stumbled across www.g0ys.org (that’s gay with a zero – G0Y). It was interesting, but I didn’t give it much thought at the time other than thinking it was just a bunch of gay guys who hated effeminate gays and anal sex trying to justify themselves.
Recently though I’ve seen them mentioned around the traps and have given them another look. What I’ve found is fascinating, to say the least.
Basically, their tenet is built around the idea that more than 50% of guys are really on the bi-sexual spectrum and we should accept and embrace that. They also condemn anal sex and posit that being gay is mostly defined by effeminate, anal sex loving queers and it’s time we normalised “bromance”.
I actually applaud them for bravely addressing a very large issue – almost the elephant in the room in some ways! I’m not sure of the veracity of all their stats but I do believe they are right in that many guys would engage in more romantic and intimate relationships with their “mates” if it was normalised.
They also address the biblical issues around homosexuality reasonably well, although the way they approach it suggests a strong religious bias mixed up in it all.
What I find disturbing though is the strong underlying contempt for effeminate gay men. They hardly even attempt to disguise this either, which I guess is good to know before you venture too deep into their literature.
Their entire appeal is built around “we hate that effeminate crap and anal sex is evil”. They then present a lot of great information about normalising same-sex relationships between men – something that definitely should be promoted! But the huge problem is to do with their motivation and underlying attitudes, which, as I said, aren’t even thinly disguised.
There is a lot of mocking the “visible” gay community – the effeminates, the type that dress up and go to Pride parades and want to flaunt their sexuality. I can understand the mentality in terms of a knee-jerk reaction (I’m not effeminate myself and just want to be a “normal” guy who happens to be only attracted to men) but it’s actually incredibly damaging! The last thing we need is another level of bigotry and intolerance masquerading as a superior option for gay men!
The real issue is tolerance and mutual respect. We must learn that we are all unique and wonderful as we are. There is no right or wrong way of being gay. I absolutely agree that the taboo boundaries of sexual attraction should be exposed and normalised, but not at the expense of all the other expression of sexuality.
So for me, these guys, while expressing a genuine issue that needs urgent attention, have created something that is not only unhelpful but actually destructive!
It’s the wrong solution to the wrong problem guys!
I’ve just had the incredible privilege of working with TVNZ (our national Television network) on a current affairs feature about “gay conversion therapy” (aka reparative therapy or “pray the gay away”).
So many people have expressed shock that it’s so prevalent. It’s not (or ever has been) the exclusive realm of cultish organisations – most of the big ones have closed down as they realised it doesn’t work anyway! However, it’s even more active “underground”, meaning thousands of churches have anything from a pastor who will happily pray with people to “cure” them, through to teams of “prayer warriors”, spiritual counsellors, and support groups that continue the destructive work in even more insidious ways.
It’s time this was exposed and the toll it’s taken on countless lives revealed. There simply is no place for this life threatening practice – and I use the term “life threatening” without hesitation simply because the largest demographic for suicide is amongst LGBT people in religion, and especially those who have experienced this so called therapy.
Sadly, so many of these “counsellors” are genuinely caring and loving, convinced they are helping. I was one of them! But that doesn’t excuse them from the deep level of abuse they are ignorantly inflicting on these people. Although I respect their desire to help people who struggle, I will do all in my power to stop them.
So here are the links to the feature on the Sunday current affairs show and the follow-up the next morning on the TVNZ Breakfast show. They are Facebook links so they don’t have country restrictions and can be viewed internationally. I hope to have direct links to the videos soon so we can bypass Facebook and stream direct from here.(They won’t open in a new browser/tab window so you’ll need to click the back button to get back to this page)
Many people think that I’m now “out and proud”, and that my days of living in hidden trauma, depression and self loathing are long gone.
I guess I do give that impression because I’m a passionate advocate for helping people untangle the mess of religion, especially for LGBT people. I speak about how amazing life is now that I’m free from the bondage and abuse from that belief system.
But there’s a hidden legacy that I live with – that most who have been through this sort of stuff live with.
Let me explain…
On one level I’ve never felt more at peace to be free from religion and dogma and how that affected me as a gay man. I understand love in ways I never thought possible. Life is infinitely better!
But I lived a nightmare for most of my life. I lived a life of shame and guilt – of being a failure, a “freak”, faulty, rejected and deeply tormented for being something I couldn’t change, which culminated in a breakdown after my wife died.
It’s been a slow journey out of that mess, and the legacy of that life is deep and lingering. I was on antidepressants for 6 years and still have bouts of depression and anxiety. I have ADHD that became far worse after the breakdown. I can’t absorb complex technical information any more (which sucks because I used to be a Technical Writer and Instructional Designer). My brain runs full tilt all the time, dancing from one thing to another without a word of warning. I get confused easily. I’m impulsive. I lose track of what I’m doing. It’s not just old age, lol, although I’m sure that doesn’t help!
I struggle every day. It took me 2 years to write It’s Life Jim… not only because of the time it took to untangle so much of the mess, but also because my mind doesn’t operate in linear coherent ways any more (not that it was ever that good at it anyway). Some days I get up with the best of intentions and clarity only to find it turns to vapour the moment I start to be “productive”. I practice mindfulness and go for long walks. I take time as best I can, to slow down. I like my wine and beer, and the odd bit of wacky weed to help slow down the endless barrage of chatter in my head.
I struggle with how most of my life was a complete waste, never finding peace or integrity, self worth and living a complete lie, damaging those closest to me, as well as myself. Sure, there’s all the platitudes about my life’s journey and nothing is a waste etc… I get that, really I do. But that doesn’t help the deep scars left by the endless years of crap.
Daily, “normal” life is not something I do well. I’m one of the walking wounded, with a pronounced limp that I’m slowly realising may never go away. And yet, the paradox is I’m happier than I’ve ever been. A deep happiness and peace – so much better than my previous life.
One thing I can give, without hesitation, is my integrity and honesty about who I am, what I’ve done and where I’m at. I can “share my journey” with as much honesty as I’m capable of mustering, because that is the only thing any of us can do in the end. Sure I “preach” about the things that have set me free, and I’m passionate about everyone growing into real life and love without fear or dogma. But I’m just me, still discovering my own biases and how I affect others.
My favourite tag line is “Live loved”. I’m still learning how powerful and profound those simple words are. Some days are better than others, but it’s always a step forward.
The legacy of christianity, for me, is deep. I’ve seen the utter failing of it’s core doctrines. I’m not as bitter as I used to be, and have always recognised that many beautiful, loving people have found a belief system that works for them. They are the ones who have shaped their beliefs around their own inherent beauty, rather than the doctrines of the belief system itself, but that’s a whole other story, lol.
So I guess I’m saying that if I (or anyone) give the impression that I’m suddenly free and perfect after a lifetime of abuse, then sorry, it doesn’t work like that.
