Sy Rogers – the legacy

Sy Rogers – the legacy

For those who haven’t heard, Sy Rogers died the other day.

In the interests of integrity and honesty, and respecting Sy’s desire to be a man despite his gender dysphoria and even living as a trans women for a while, I’ll use “they” as the pronoun to reflect this conflict.

Sy was one of the most prominent “ex-gay” preachers and traveled the world with their message that God can transform us into happy, fulfilled straight people. They rose to fame in the 80s and was even president of Exodus Ministries for a while.

One of their most famous quotes was “If you want to stay gay, that’s your business,… But the bottom line is, you have a choice to overcome it. You can change. The goal is God – not going straight. Straight people don’t go to Heaven, redeemed people do.”

As a fellow human being, my heart goes out to their family and friends.

But I find myself rather triggered. It’s brought up all the misery I went through trying to be a straight man all my life. And already, I’m finding countless others feeling the same.

Their very public teachings and testimony were adopted as “proof” that LGBT people could change. It was given extra weight because their story included their gender as well as their  sexuality. Sy never really addressed the differences between the two, which we know are completely unrelated human attributes. Of course, we all know that no one actually changes either of these attributes. We either repress, deny or employ diversions such as religious obsessions to delude ourselves that we are changed or cured. We also know that most of the time this ends up causing mental illness and suicide.

Sy’s legacy would be impossible to quantify. Their message and ministry is directly responsible for bringing incalculable pain, misery, suffering and even death to literally millions.

Of course, there are many others who contributed to the abuse of LGBT people. But Sy is exceptional in that he had the opportunity to bring life instead of death, but refused to do so.

In 2007, during a meeting with Anthony Venn Brown, Sy said “I no longer preach a re-orientation message”. However, they never made this public! They’d said the same thing to other ministers as well over more recent years. And yes, if we look at their ministry over the last 15 years or so, it became more about relational wholeness through Jesus and similar topics. Sy had indeed carefully sidestepped his original message without so much as a word. Their only comment was about not wanting to cause public controversy. Perhaps it was more about saving face and finance? We may never know.

For me and so many now, this is the ultimate betrayal. How many lives could have been saved if Sy had had the guts to be honest and care more about others. Was Sy that unaware of the damage of their message?

It will take a while for me to process my emotions around this. I would encourage any of us who find ourselves confronting the anger and frustration of all we’ve been through to be brave, give yourself permission to feel and process it all. Get some help if needed, talk to safe friends or a counselor.

So yeah…. I don’t like to “talk ill of the dead” while family are still grieving, but I feel I have no choice. The Sy Rogers legacy is horrific.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 2 comments
Vulnerability

Vulnerability

For most of us, coming out and working through religious issues has required huge amounts of vulnerability (opening ourselves up to be easily hurt, influenced, or attacked).

We open ourselves up to others to share our deepest secrets, our shame, our mental health and the pain we’ve lived with.

Even with strong relationships and a solid loving community, this can be very traumatic. But without them, it can be a long lonely journey. Whatever the process for each of us, it’s something that requires guts, determination and bravery.

If we have come out of fundamentalism/pentecostalism etc we have the pain of losing those who we thought loved and cared for us. We become the target of their abuse, disguised as love and concern at best, or outright condemnation and assignment to hell at worst.

Eventually we have to turn our backs on these people and establish a new life with people who really do care, who actually love us unconditionally. To keep contact with those who abuse us is simply too hard, especially if our mental health has been affected. Our vulnerability can only stand so much and we must protect ourselves to survive.

Personally, this has been a complex battle. Part of me would love to walk away and never engage with this type of religion again. But I’m also confronted with the reality that I was part of the system that causes so much abuse, being a leader in Living Waters conversion therapy for so long. I shudder to think of the damage I did and perhaps the loss of life I was implicit in.

Silent Gays has been a work of passion and compassion for all those who have experienced religious abuse. But it puts me in a constant state of vulnerability. I share my life over and over. I am constantly confronted and condemned by traditional Christians. The more I reach out to those silently suffering in churches, the more I’m abused. It’s a situation of constant vulnerability, and honestly, some days it’s really hard. It takes it’s toll.

Despite this, my heart for the abused is stronger than ever, so I have to work with the balancing act of self preservation and confrontation. I will not stop confronting the religious fundamentalists because I know that in doing so, others are watching – those who would never speak out in vulnerability. I know that my strength in being vulnerable is an inspiration.

In writing this, I’m once again being vulnerable. Some will say it’s the least I can do given my participation in the abuse. Other’s will say to just let it all go and get on with my life. Perhaps one day I will walk away, but I think I’d never stop feeling for the countless others struggling under the deathly weight of religion.

Meanwhile, I do all I can to walk that fine line, and live my life to it’s fullest.

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments
Unraveling the mess – Pt 6 – Navigating Uncertainty

Unraveling the mess – Pt 6 – Navigating Uncertainty

(Here are Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, Pt 4 and Pt 5)

So far we’ve looked at some crucial foundations for assessing Christian beliefs and dogma. But when we let go of dogma we are left with a rather unsettling “existential” uncertainty. By that I mean our certainty around who we are, why we’re here and what happens when we die is no longer supported by a set of dogmatic doctrines and theology.

We are suddenly set adrift in a scary, complex and largely unknown universe. Our sense of security has gone.

The whole idea of religion is, after all, to meet these complex needs in a way that helps us feel secure so we can handle daily life. But when we remove the certainty of a loving god who created us and the universe and has everything sorted, it creates a vacuum that often drives people back to religious ideas, although often modified to be more rational and loving.

Real strength however, is found when we discover that place of peace in the midst of “not knowing”!

Yes indeed, we can actually live an incredibly fulfilling and joyful life by accepting that we really know next to nothing about this stuff, and that’s totally OK.

Nothing presented by any religious belief system is verifiable in any way. Sure, there are religious philosophical folks who attempt to deduce god from logical arguments, and some of them are vaguely persuasive, but they are still nothing more than subjective ramblings and wishful thinking.

There is incredible peace in learning to rest in the space of simply “being”. There’s a place of non-striving acceptance that empowers us to move with grace and love, knowing that we are intrinsically part of the universe – no greater or lesser than any other part. We are stardust (to coin a cliche). Everything is exactly as it should be – it can be no other way.

When we embrace this, it brings deep peace, and empowers us to move through life with a paradoxical sense of purpose and meaning. But it takes a lot of unraveling the paradigms of traditional theistic thought. Those “gods” are such pesky and intrusive cultural and personal beliefs, and the thought of letting go can be frightening! Especially when we have been conditioned to believe that those gods completely control our lives and eternal destiny.

We are enough, exactly as we are.
We are uniquely the same.
We have all we need within us already.
We are each other.
We truly are one.

God really is us – our united humanity, and all of the universe, is God. Everything is God, there is nothing else.

Yes, I know that’s been overused and turned into crazed hippy cosmic cliches. But despite that, it’s the only belief system that can form the foundation of a functional life that truly embraces unconditional love.

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Unravelling the mess – Pt 5 – The Danger of Dogma

Unravelling the mess – Pt 5 – The Danger of Dogma

(Here are Pt 1, Pt 2, Pt 3, and Pt 4)

So far we've looked at the basics of religion vs spirituality, gods and paradigms. Taking all that into consideration, we'll now look at the impact of dogma, which Merriam-Webster describes as:

  • something held as an established opinion, especially a definite authoritative tenet
  • a point of view or tenet put forth as authoritative without adequate grounds
  • a doctrine or body of doctrines concerning faith or morals formally stated and authoritatively proclaimed by a church
What we have here is the basis of almost all religious beliefs.

We have our spiritual needs, which are met by some sort of religious construct (refer to Pt 2), which is shaped entirely by our paradigms (refer to Pt 4).

What we humans love to do though, is claim our particular beliefs are the only "truth". We my be condescending enough to allow that others have partial truth, but really, they are either mistaken or deluded and, far too often, completely vilified and even demonised.

Of course, we can't all be right!
When we realise how our paradigms completely govern our perceptions of "life, the universe and everything" we have no choice but to accept that any belief system concerning spirituality must be built entirely around our paradigms.
This makes every person's beliefs subjective, even if they are based on definitive texts! No two people read something with exactly the same understanding or comprehension - it's impossible. This is why religions create doctrines in an attempt to minimise this problem.
This then creates a system that ends up trying to force others to a strict set of beliefs that indicate whether you are "one of us" or not.
The inevitable result is division, enmity, exclusion, pride and a host of other very unhealthy practices.
I would go so far as to say dogma is the most destructive force humans have to deal with. Nothing creates intense division, hatred and bigotry as quickly and efficiently.
  • Dogma has created thousands of divisions in all religions, all claiming they alone have the truth.
  • Dogma has created intense bigotry, racism and hatred.
  • Dogma has created persecution of minorities including, of course, LGBTI.
  • Dogma has created endless wars and even genocide.
It has no redeeming qualities.
Take a few moments to think about your own beliefs. Do you recognise that others see things differently? Do you hold on to your beliefs in a way that excludes others in any way? Do you use your beliefs to judge others in any way? What would happen if you allowed yourself to accept that all religious beliefs are subjective?
As always, feel free to comment 🙂
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Unraveling the mess – Pt 4 – Paradigms

Unraveling the mess – Pt 4 – Paradigms

(Here are Pt1, Pt2, Pt3)

So far, I’ve presented some background info around the terminology I use and some basic premises on humanity’s need for gods and religion.

Before we dig any deeper, one of the most important things we need to understand as human beings is our personal “paradigms”. This can be referred to as our “world view” (the particular way we each see life and interact with it) but that doesn’t really have the depth or significance of they way this works and how each of us end up so unique. It is also the foundation for understanding our biases.

From the moment we are aware (even in the womb) we absorb masses of information about the world. Every single event, no matter how small, is “absorbed” by us and slowly builds the “lens” we not only see everything through, but also the way we understand, react, communicate etc.

This means everything, from the first emotional senses in the womb, the smiles or frowns we get as a baby, the anger, the fear, our environment, family, economic and social status etc – every single conversation and argument, abuse and trauma, love and acceptance – absolutely every single thing we’ve ever experienced – shapes who we are at this moment, even down to the movie we watched last night, the argument we had with a loved one, the smile a child gave us an hour ago in the supermarket – EVERYTHING!

This is why we are so unique – and so isolated!

We have agreed terminology and words that work well for average daily stuff, but even then, every single word and concept we speak is completely coloured by our paradigm. So much so, that if I used the word “church” in a conversation, for example, my paradigm would be based on a life of struggling with religious abuse and all that entails, whereas the person I’m talking to might have had nothing but loving experiences that quickly create a completely different sense around the nature of our conversation.

We think we are communicating successfully, but the reality is that every word we speak to each other is underscored by a lifetime of emotional responses, stored in our subconscious, creating complex filters in our understanding.

Once we become aware of this, we can begin to observe ourselves and others in a way that brings empathy and understanding. Until we can grasp the significance of this, we can never really understand our spiritual/religious needs or the why we “believe what we believe”.

Take some time to examine some recent conversations you’ve had and what you were trying to communicate. Think about the words you used and what they mean to you. Did the other person really understand? Was there a level of emotional triggering going on for either of you? Also think about the way you feel about certain topics in the same light.

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Unraveling the mess – Pt 3 – Gods

Unraveling the mess – Pt 3 – Gods

Now we start to get into a rather tricky area!

In part 1 and part 2 I laid a bit of a foundation around my purpose and terminology.

Having looked at how religion is the beliefs we apply in our attempts to grapple with our sense of spirituality, it quickly becomes apparent that humans love to assign anything like this to some sort of god. Christianity is just one very successful attempt to address spirituality, but there are literally countless others throughout human history.

Another reason we like gods is that they can be used as an authoritative source of ethics and morality, providing any culture/tribe with an unquestionable value standard that can be used to hold together the structures of their society.

There is also the need to provide meaning and answers to phenomena we don’t understand – natural events, the weather, the movement of the stars etc. Anything we lack empirical knowledge on can be ascribed to a God. Of course, we see this reason being slowly eaten away as “science” provides more and more answers to these things, but it’s still valid as science is a long way from finding the “answer to life the universe and everything”.

These needs (and other smaller considerations) can be combined very successfully into the characteristics of a deity – a being or beings infinitely more powerful/knowledgeable than us who control everything (to greater or lesser degrees). It provides an emotional and cultural focal point or reference that can be used to explain all aspects of life. Plus, using a deity creates a sense of security and stability when we realise how fickle we, and our world, can be.

Religion, when viewed in this simplistic way, has proven to be very valuable to humanity. In fact, it could be considered an evolutionary tactic in helping preserve the species. This is a very cold and analytical approach of course, but we’ll look at other aspects later.

So why do YOU need a God? What does your God look like? I ask because when we really peel away the layers of jargon and cliches, wrapped in biblical (or other religion’s) semantics, there is a way our hearts and minds perceive God that is unique to each of us, no matter what our particular doctrines define. Under all this is the simplicity of which of these basic needs are being met.

The next part will be about “paradigms”, sometimes called world views, lenses, filters, biases etc.

 

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Unraveling the mess – Pt 2 – Religious or spiritual?

Unraveling the mess – Pt 2 – Religious or spiritual?

In my introduction I asked the question “Why do we believe the things that we believe?”.

To truly get some perspective on this, we have to do some groundwork on spirituality and religion, especially in terms of semantics. We have to know what we are talking about otherwise we may not understand each other!

It’s all very ambiguous and everyone has different paradigms (world views) that colour the description, meaning and emotional background of these terms.

As we look at this unraveling process I’ll be working on the assumption that “spirituality” is the innate sense of awe, wonder, mystery, purpose and meaning of life and the universe that we all have.

The term “religion” will be used to describe any system that attempts to define spirituality into a system of beliefs that we can apply to our lives in some meaningful way.

One saying I’ve heard so often is “I’m spiritual but not religious”. I totally get what people mean by this, but it is rather ambiguous when we consider my description above.

For the sake of clarity then, we can’t BE spiritual, in the sense that it’s a belief system. We experience “spirituality” however when we look at the stars, for example, and feel that deep sense of wonder and amazement inside us. This can often trigger a range of emotions from feeling exhilarated and inspired to feeling insignificant and lost, and anything in between!

The moment we ascribe an explanation to those feelings, we enter the realm of “religion”. The most obvious is ascribing some sort of all powerful being as the source of what we experience. But it can be any form of belief from universal consciousness, karma, paganism, new age teachings, chakras and energy etc – anything really, that tries to capture and provide meaning to these deep and powerful feelings.

I realise that this may be difficult for some people, but as I work through this complex topic, you’ll see why I approach it in this way.

As a result then, we have to break “religion” down into many subsets and look at their benefits and short-comings – how well  they serve humanity and how much objective criteria they meet in any practical sense. Mind you, objectivity (as in being able to apply scientific methodology) in anything to do with spirituality is exceedingly difficult. We can, however, look at what we currently know objectively with things like quantum physics and apply it to a certain degree, but it’s still a long way off providing the level of objectivity demanded by the discerning atheist!

So before I move on, take the time to think about your own beliefs in the context of my definitions. Try thinking in terms of how well they “work” in addressing our innate spirituality. This isn’t to undermine any beliefs and faith we have as such. It’s to provide a framework for us to examine “why we believe what we believe”.

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Unraveling the mess – Intro

Unraveling the mess – Intro

Silent Gays’ tag line is Coming Out of Religion.

It’s what we’re all about – coming out As LGBT+ and deconstructing beliefs.

I’ve written the COR Workbook as an essential component of what I do, but I think it would be beneficial to blog more regularly on the whole issue rather than just the odd article. So this is the introduction to the long term effort of helping us figure out how we got into this mess, how to process it, and what to do after the dust settles.

Much of this will be groundwork for my next book “…But Not As We Know It” – which I’ve finally started!

So by way of kicking things off, I’d like to propose we take a little time to examine the most foundational aspect of our lives – why do we believe the things we believe? Why do we think our religious paradigms are effective? What makes them so appealing? Do they actually work for us?

You get the idea.

However, despite the need to be brutally honest with ourselves, it can be very disturbing to confront this can of worms. For many of us, the very thing we embraced to bring us life and hope is the thing that is destroying us! We fear to question because we fear an “existential crisis”. We fear losing our footing and any sense of meaning we may have.

It’s scary, but I can assure you, it’s worth every drop of sweat and tears to be able to live with deep personal honesty and integrity. I’ve been on this part of the journey for over 8 years now and despite many ups and downs and working through mental health issues, I’ve found my little niche in the world where I’m OK with who I am. I have my beliefs that constantly change and grow as they are challenged. I’ve come to realise that growth and maturity requires accepting constant re-evaluation and change.

So join me in my ramblings and please interact (comment below or on Facebook) – we all have something to offer each other!

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments
Alternative Treatments for Addiction

Alternative Treatments for Addiction

This is guest blog for Recovery Proud

Can Alternative Treatments Help You Recover from Addiction?

If you’re in recovery for addiction, chances are you’ve contemplated whether you should seek alternative treatments. At the same time, you may not be aware of what alternative options are out there and whether they will work for you. Try taking these steps—which include meditating and using technology—to uncover the truth about alternative treatments and your recovery.

Learn More About Alternative Options

While addiction isn’t a new struggle, alternative recovery methods are relatively new when it comes to treating addiction. These alternative methods are challenging the norms around rehabilitation for addicts. If you’re wondering what alternative options are out there, do a little research. Go online and find articles about alternative treatments. Research each option thoroughly and be aware of dangers. Above all, consult your healthcare or treatment provider before you explore alternative treatments yourself.

Focus on Fitness

Looking into alternative options is one way to take charge of your treatment, but staying active is a simpler method of enhancing your recovery experience. The endorphins that exercise produces will help improve your mood and energy levels. You can formulate a workout plan by joining a gym, taking a group class, like yoga, or streaming some workouts on YouTube at home. Keep track of your fitness progress with a smartwatch like the Apple Watch Series 5, which will be arriving in stores soon. It can detect falls, monitor your heart rate, and even call for help in an emergency. On the Android side, the Samsung Galaxy Watch Active 2 automatically tracks your workouts and features a built-in GPS.

Keep Mental Health a Priority

Addiction often stems from a mental health issue, a reaction to stress or an unresolved past trauma. That’s why you should be sure to include mental health treatments in your overall recovery plan. Set up sessions with a mental health provider and open up to them about any issues you have been experiencing. Sometimes, trauma can be buried but can still cause problems. It takes time to uncover these traumas and curtail any remaining anxieties or pain. Take your therapy session seriously and use your own methods to care for your mental health.

Eliminate Negative Triggers

Alternative or traditional, your treatment plan should take triggers into account. Triggers can evoke emotions and experiences that can lead you to use again. For addicts, triggers can be a familiar place where they used or a scent that reminds them of old times. A cigarette can make you want a cocktail, or passing by a bar can make you want a beer. Even feelings like boredom and stress can be triggers for recovering addicts. Identify these negative influences in your life and take steps to eliminate them. Make stress relief a focus of your trigger cleanse.

Make Meditation a Habit

One alternative treatment that has gained traction in recovery programs is meditation. Meditation is undeniably beneficial for anyone seeking more mindfulness in their lives. Regular meditation can help those in recovery relieve stress and focus on staying sober. You can set up a meditation space in your home with a few simple supplies. Pick a spot that is void of noise or distractions. Use a meditation app to help get you in the habit and practice completely clearing your mind during these sessions.

Be Ready to Re-Evaluate Your Treatment

Part of any recovery is figuring out what works and what doesn’t. Relapse is common in recovery, so don’t be discouraged if it happens to you. Take this as a sign that your treatment needs some adjustment. Perhaps adding alternative treatments could help you get back on track. Or maybe you need to adjust parts of your life, like your diet or circle of friends. Staying informed of all your options will make this process easier when the time comes.

Playing an active role in your recovery is the key to attaining sobriety. By looking into alternative treatments, you are taking control of your treatment and taking control of your success.

Photo Credit: Pixabay

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, Mental Health, 0 comments

Why and what is Silent Gays?

I often get blank looks when I tell people about Silent Gays, and then have to go through this long explanation.

Boring.

So I’ve done this video as a quick introduction to what It’s all about. Check it out and feel free to comment or email at info@silentgays.com

Posted by Jim Marjoram in Blog, 0 comments